Reality Check

The last few weeks we've submitted our home study for three different sibling groups who are fully eligible for adoption.  Each of them is one boy and one girl ranging from 3 to 7 years old.  One of them we found on line at The Heart Gallery of Texas 

(http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/adoption_and_foster_care/texas_heart_galleries/default.asp) 

and the other two were referred to us by our agency.  Two of them came with very brief and positive descriptions and the other set came with more information including some hard things to swallow.  We chose to submit on all three, even the third, who seemed to have more issues and baggage.

This last week Jeremy and I have had several discussions about how much we can really handle.  Its one thing to read about hypothetical or obscure case studies in a book or hear testimonies from other foster/adoptive parents.  Its another thing all together to read these profiles with the mind set that these kids might become our reality.  We're looking at knowingly inviting chaos into our home and promising to be their forever family.  I always suspected that the brief and entirely positive profiles were in reality every bit as heart breaking as the third profile.  We found out yesterday that I am most likely right.  

Yesterday we received some exciting news!  We made the short list for the first sibling group we submitted our home study for a few weeks ago.  The silence and waiting regarding these kids had left me thinking that we hadn't made the cut, so when the news came I was pleasantly surprised and, to put it mildly, about to jump right out of my skin!!!

When you make the short list they send you more information on the kids.  There are standardized tests and evaluations for everything...  I had no idea.  You get everything from psych evaluations, learning disabilities, medications, their CPS case history, their likes and dislikes...  We're talking 25-30 pages of information that just leaves you shaking your head.

By the time most kids in the system get to the point where parental rights have been terminated and they are eligible for adoption, they have likely been in and out of the system for at least 3 to 5 years.  They've been back and forth between foster homes and the home they were removed from.  For these sweet little ones it makes for a life of unpredictable chaos, fear, anxiety, depression, instability, and distrust in adults.  There is a history of neglect, abuse, or both.  If this had been my reality as a small child, I would be a very different person.

These kidos became so much more real to me yesterday.  We want to rescue them from this hell that they did not choose or deserve, but do we have what it takes?  Apart from Christ we do not.  We have to really be in check of our motives.  If its about me being the hero, I will be sorely dissapointed when these kids are resentful of me rather than grateful.  

They have been with a loving foster family now for a while, whom they've made progress with and are getting more comfortable with.  We will potentially be the ones who are taking them away from what they know is familiar and safe.  They are in counseling to be prepped for adoption.  This is necessary because most kids in the system have a lot of anxiety over being moved, even when its in their best interests.  We will have to earn their trust and show them that we are equally safe and allow them time to become familiar with us.  It will mean embarrassing grocery store scenes and trips to meet with the school counselor.  It will mean cutting back on our other commitments to friends, church and family so that we can make the initial investment.  It will mean a lot of sacrifice with not much thanks if any, at least in the beginning.

My prayer and request of all of you who may encounter us or who will encounter us once we get our kids home (whom ever they may be), please show them and us a crazy amount of grace and patience.  They very well might come off like little monsters.  They might be in full on survival mode, only accessing their brain stem, and processing inadequately their new environment.  Jeremy and I will likely be a grumpy and frazzled mess.  If I snap at you, my sincerest apologies in advance.

All that said... Still so excited!!!!!!!  Even if we don't get these two, its nice to feel like things are in motion.  Waiting is hard and I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its a chaotic, multi-colored strobe.

A Beautiful Crazy Life

We live a beautiful and full life.  I wouldn't trade it or anyone in it for anything or anyone.  Sometimes it can be overwhelming though.  Sometimes my heart and my head run out of room to process it all.  Its like eating too much ice cream.  It never stops being yummy, but a stomach ache is probably in your future.  Sunday was a day in which I bit off a little bit more than I could process.  I was in a constant social setting from 9am to 9pm.  It was a day full of wonderful things and people that I wanted to be with and thoroughly enjoyed.

I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often.  Ladies, this is so true.  We compare and criticize in multiple life categories...  Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that...  I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out.  We've got to stop this.  We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short.  When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride.  When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from.  I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself.  I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering.  Which leads us to the next social setting...

From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch.  He's gotten so big!!  He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever.  They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much.  We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected.  What is our roll here?  What are the proper boundaries?  Are we stepping over any of their boundaries?  How do I feel and how should I feel?  How do they feel?  Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by.  Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that.  We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back?  Did we dial back too much or not enough?  Should I have offered to change a diaper?  This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon.  I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok).  I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar.  We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.

From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before.  Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.

From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church.  We'll miss them very much!  May God bless them in their ministry and service!

I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was.  At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time.  I'm sure you can guess what followed.  Melt-Down!

My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day.  Poor guy.

I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day.  This is not a productive exercise.  God is in control.  It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God.  There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God.  We should follow his example and do the same.  Go get refreshed.  Don't feel guilty about it.  Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.