Confused Emotions in the Heart of a Mother

We met our little Booger's new family, and they are sweet and lovely people.  We have a lot of common beliefs, values, and hobbies, not to mention they're fellow Aggies.  After meeting Booger's older biological sister that he has now been reunited with, this was the right choice.  She's old enough to have attached to this family, and moving her, in the short term, would have been more traumatic for sure.  In the long term we can truly see that it would have been a wash, and that they would have thrived in either family environment.  And so, the short term became the deciding factor.

He's with them this weekend and we'll permanently move him during the week this week.  The logical part of my brain is more than good with this.  We're not going to worry about his safety and care.  We know he'll be loved and nurtured.  And this isn't good bye forever.  Its obvious they have deep sympathy for us and the loss that we're feeling, and if things had gone the other way we would have had similar sympathy for them.  They're more than willing to keep us in the loop and allow us to continue to be a part of his life.  We might even consider them good friends at some point.

Up until this morning the logical, analytic part of my brain has been driving the ship for the most part.  I've had and still have an overwhelming peace about the outcome of this little adventure.  But as I sit here in my quiet kitchen, with no baby snores or coos, no diapers to change or bottles to make, I'm sad.  I don't think I realized I would miss it all quite this much.  I was thinking positive, looking forward to a full nights sleep, sleeping in, a Saturday where I didn't have to pack up the whole house just to go to the grocery store, and maybe getting in a run or a trip to the gym.  I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm sure every mother out there would give me a loud "Amen," I'm still enjoying those things today.  But there's a little hole in my heart that I didn't even realize I had so completely given to our little Booger.  I love him and I'm going to miss him deeply.

This morning my heart goes out to young or struggling mothers who out of love for their children choose willingly to give them up for adoption in hopes that their life will be better with someone else.  On some level, the way I'm feeling today might be in a way comparable to the simultaneous and conflicting grief and relief that they must feel.  Its a confusing state.  You know its the right thing, but your heart aches just the same.  Bless you for giving that child life.  Bless you for putting their needs ahead of your own.  Bless you for being so brave and strong.  Bless you for putting aside your pride and being vulnerable to criticism for your choice.  Today you have become true heroes in my eyes.  Don't let anyone treat you as less than wonderful.