We're putting feet to our words once again. We've had Munchkin now for 3 1/2 weeks or so. Goodness gracious! So much personality for someone so small! This little guy knows what he wants and gosh darn it he wants it now. He's demanding, but he's full of smiles and coos when you come through for him. It keeps us going when sleep deprivation, work stress and seasonal illness take their toll, and boy have they this week for me especially. Sooooo ready for some down time over the holidays!
I'm going to take this moment to say a special thanks to my mommy. She's been such a wonderful help and has graciously dealt with my stressed out, sick, and grumpy self this week. And another special thanks to my Sweetie. He's also been very sweet and gracious, and he has done his best to take care of me without jeopardizing his own health in the process. I'm feeling very loved in the midst of my medicated chaos.
On a slightly different note, here's an update for those of you who are as anxious as we are to see us actually follow through to adoption someday... This placement has not made any promises of being a potential adoptive placement. It can always end up going that way, but we took this one on with the full knowledge that its possible we won't get to keep him. This go around, we're not asking as many questions. We don't want anyone in the system to make us any promises they can't keep. We will love him while we have him, however long that may be. His particular situation tugged at our heart strings and we said yes. I can't disclose the details, but just know that everyone involved in this case holds a special place in our life's mission as Christians and as a couple.
Because we know that Munchkin might not be a permanent deal, we're remaining very open to young sibling groups of two. I know what you're thinking, and yes we are crazy, but we've seen how quickly things can change in the world of CPS and how long they can drag out as well, and we don't know which extreme Munchkin's case might lean toward. We're going to have to step out in faith and trust that God knows exactly what's on the horizon for us, and we have to trust that he's going to provide for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs as we pour ourselves out for the least of these as he's called us to.
If you would please keep us in your prayers. Its easy enough to write all of this. Doing it is not so easy and while I may sound confident and resolved, there are doubts and fears that at times pop up and can tear my eyes off of my Savior, who is my strength and supply. I think that's probably true for all of us, no matter what our specific calling in life is. So be encouraged! Doing something hard is by definition hard, but doing something easy isn't nearly as rewarding and life giving. Dare to do something hard, challenging, and risky for the sake of Christ!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Just Another Tuesday
Well, have I got a story to tell you! We had quite a Tuesday...
Yesterday morning we knew that the selection staffing for a sibling group we'd been short listed on was scheduled to happen. After it was over our agency case worker called us to tell us we had not been selected. Of course we were pretty down about that.
It had come down to four families including ours, and we were all on a fairly even playing field. The factor that eliminated us was that we have only been married for a couple years and we are by their definition still "newly weds." This is not the first time we've been eliminated as a potential adoptive placement based on the fact that we haven't been married "long enough."
We had already talked about opening back up to promising emergency foster placements and legal risk adoptive placements if this particular set of siblings didn't work out, but the reoccurring reason for not being selected sealed it for us. It was going to likely be years before we would be selected for a straight adoptive placement just because we needed to be married a little longer. If we were going to continue pursuing adoption through the foster care system, we had to take a little more risk and put our hearts on the line.
We communicated this desire to our agency case worker and within less than two hours we had received calls for two cases, an infant emergency placement that needed to be placed last night and a sibling group of two that needed to be placed by Monday of next week. We said to put our name in the hat on both cases.
Within four hours we were picking up a sweet baby to take home and we've been loving on him all day. Such a cutie!! It kills me that I can't share pictures, but there's a very good reason for that.
We left our name in the hat for the sibling group as well (we're crazy and got licensed for up to 3 kids at a time) but it's very unlikely that they will select us since we just got an infant with some minor medical needs. Our current thinking is that if we end up still being the best choice for them, then its God's will and he'll give us the strength, patience and endurance to do it.
I thing that I don't really understand is how putting a "newly wed" couple in a situation where they have 4 hours notice before getting a little baby and/or a pair of toddler to school age children would put less stress on their marriage than giving them all of the information on a set of kids, maybe a couple pre-adoption placement visits, with a set time line and the certainty of an adoptive placement... Maybe this is a test?
Yesterday morning we knew that the selection staffing for a sibling group we'd been short listed on was scheduled to happen. After it was over our agency case worker called us to tell us we had not been selected. Of course we were pretty down about that.
It had come down to four families including ours, and we were all on a fairly even playing field. The factor that eliminated us was that we have only been married for a couple years and we are by their definition still "newly weds." This is not the first time we've been eliminated as a potential adoptive placement based on the fact that we haven't been married "long enough."
We had already talked about opening back up to promising emergency foster placements and legal risk adoptive placements if this particular set of siblings didn't work out, but the reoccurring reason for not being selected sealed it for us. It was going to likely be years before we would be selected for a straight adoptive placement just because we needed to be married a little longer. If we were going to continue pursuing adoption through the foster care system, we had to take a little more risk and put our hearts on the line.
We communicated this desire to our agency case worker and within less than two hours we had received calls for two cases, an infant emergency placement that needed to be placed last night and a sibling group of two that needed to be placed by Monday of next week. We said to put our name in the hat on both cases.
Within four hours we were picking up a sweet baby to take home and we've been loving on him all day. Such a cutie!! It kills me that I can't share pictures, but there's a very good reason for that.
We left our name in the hat for the sibling group as well (we're crazy and got licensed for up to 3 kids at a time) but it's very unlikely that they will select us since we just got an infant with some minor medical needs. Our current thinking is that if we end up still being the best choice for them, then its God's will and he'll give us the strength, patience and endurance to do it.
I thing that I don't really understand is how putting a "newly wed" couple in a situation where they have 4 hours notice before getting a little baby and/or a pair of toddler to school age children would put less stress on their marriage than giving them all of the information on a set of kids, maybe a couple pre-adoption placement visits, with a set time line and the certainty of an adoptive placement... Maybe this is a test?
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Goodness Gracious...
I am a project manager. I hold all the little pieces together, make sure we're following all the rules (building code), delegate tasks to others, try to keep to the project schedule, and try to make the client happy with the design for multiple projects at a time. I understand stress and I get mind mush moments. I've sent emails that were not all together clear or referring to the wrong project all together. I've been there. I think we all have at one time or another.
When it comes to dealing with professionals who handle the lives of children though, we as parents can become a little ungracious and indignant. Whether they be an overloaded CPS case worker (in our particular situation) or your child's kindergarten teacher, we expect the best for our kids. We forget that they are doing the same juggling act that we are. The case worker probably has 60 plus cases in her case load, all equally important, life altering and urgent. The kindergarten teacher has a room full of kids at various stages of intellectual and behavioral development that she has to try to cater to within a limited amount of time and space. We hold them to a higher standard, sometimes with unrealistic expectations in our less than ideal real world environment. We forget that they are underpaid, over worked, and need to have a life outside of their occupation just as much as we do.
This week someone made a mistake. It was not malicious or intentional. It was a mistake.
On Monday morning our agency called us to give us the exciting news that we were the final selection for an adoptive placement (100% sure thing no risk involved) for a sibling group of two that we had submitted our home study on. Of course we were ecstatic! We started telling all of our friends and family. We started thinking about our holiday plans. The planner in me was anxious to know what the transition schedule was going to be and how much time we had to get their rooms ready.
Then on Tuesday we got another call from our agency to give us some less exciting news. It turns out that there was a miss communication between CPS and our agency. The email CPS had previously sent was worded in such a way that it was easily deduced that we were the final selection for these kidos, but the reality was that we were just selected for the short list, and that they would be making the final selection from this short list by the end of the month. If we had gotten this news first it would have been wonderful news, but in light of what we had been told on Monday, our moral plummeted for a bit.
Its Thursday now and we've recovered from our plummet. We are back in good spirits. We're on the short list for two sibling groups now and should hopefully know something on both of them by the end of the month. More waiting, yes, but they're worth it. We can't use this broken disjointed system as an excuse to pull out and do nothing. And we can't become calloused and bitter toward the CPS case workers that cross our paths. They're human and in need of grace and much as the rest of us.
When it comes to dealing with professionals who handle the lives of children though, we as parents can become a little ungracious and indignant. Whether they be an overloaded CPS case worker (in our particular situation) or your child's kindergarten teacher, we expect the best for our kids. We forget that they are doing the same juggling act that we are. The case worker probably has 60 plus cases in her case load, all equally important, life altering and urgent. The kindergarten teacher has a room full of kids at various stages of intellectual and behavioral development that she has to try to cater to within a limited amount of time and space. We hold them to a higher standard, sometimes with unrealistic expectations in our less than ideal real world environment. We forget that they are underpaid, over worked, and need to have a life outside of their occupation just as much as we do.
This week someone made a mistake. It was not malicious or intentional. It was a mistake.
On Monday morning our agency called us to give us the exciting news that we were the final selection for an adoptive placement (100% sure thing no risk involved) for a sibling group of two that we had submitted our home study on. Of course we were ecstatic! We started telling all of our friends and family. We started thinking about our holiday plans. The planner in me was anxious to know what the transition schedule was going to be and how much time we had to get their rooms ready.
Then on Tuesday we got another call from our agency to give us some less exciting news. It turns out that there was a miss communication between CPS and our agency. The email CPS had previously sent was worded in such a way that it was easily deduced that we were the final selection for these kidos, but the reality was that we were just selected for the short list, and that they would be making the final selection from this short list by the end of the month. If we had gotten this news first it would have been wonderful news, but in light of what we had been told on Monday, our moral plummeted for a bit.
Its Thursday now and we've recovered from our plummet. We are back in good spirits. We're on the short list for two sibling groups now and should hopefully know something on both of them by the end of the month. More waiting, yes, but they're worth it. We can't use this broken disjointed system as an excuse to pull out and do nothing. And we can't become calloused and bitter toward the CPS case workers that cross our paths. They're human and in need of grace and much as the rest of us.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What will the Holidays Bring?
We have our home study (description of us) submitted on several sibling groups now, all of which will be making their final selection for adoptive placements before the Christmas holidays, perhaps even before Thanksgiving. There are several possibilities before us. We could have none, one or two children. They range from ages 3 to 8 years old. We could have one boy, two boys, or one boy and one girl. They are comprised of a variety of ethnicities and hair care needs. As you can probably tell, I have a spread sheet of scenarios running through my head. Potential to do lists and shopping lists for every possible out come.
I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos. I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials. Toys have changed! They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time. I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself. But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy! For shame, for shame!
Anyway... Again, here we are with the uncertainty. Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time. I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit. Change can be good and change requires that I trust him. Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics. I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets. Its rather liberating to be honest. After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air. I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it. That's kind of how I feel at the moment. Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.
I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos. I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials. Toys have changed! They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time. I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself. But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy! For shame, for shame!
Anyway... Again, here we are with the uncertainty. Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time. I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit. Change can be good and change requires that I trust him. Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics. I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets. Its rather liberating to be honest. After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air. I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it. That's kind of how I feel at the moment. Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Reality Check
The last few weeks we've submitted our home study for three different sibling groups who are fully eligible for adoption. Each of them is one boy and one girl ranging from 3 to 7 years old. One of them we found on line at The Heart Gallery of Texas
and the other two were referred to us by our agency. Two of them came with very brief and positive descriptions and the other set came with more information including some hard things to swallow. We chose to submit on all three, even the third, who seemed to have more issues and baggage.
This last week Jeremy and I have had several discussions about how much we can really handle. Its one thing to read about hypothetical or obscure case studies in a book or hear testimonies from other foster/adoptive parents. Its another thing all together to read these profiles with the mind set that these kids might become our reality. We're looking at knowingly inviting chaos into our home and promising to be their forever family. I always suspected that the brief and entirely positive profiles were in reality every bit as heart breaking as the third profile. We found out yesterday that I am most likely right.
Yesterday we received some exciting news! We made the short list for the first sibling group we submitted our home study for a few weeks ago. The silence and waiting regarding these kids had left me thinking that we hadn't made the cut, so when the news came I was pleasantly surprised and, to put it mildly, about to jump right out of my skin!!!
When you make the short list they send you more information on the kids. There are standardized tests and evaluations for everything... I had no idea. You get everything from psych evaluations, learning disabilities, medications, their CPS case history, their likes and dislikes... We're talking 25-30 pages of information that just leaves you shaking your head.
By the time most kids in the system get to the point where parental rights have been terminated and they are eligible for adoption, they have likely been in and out of the system for at least 3 to 5 years. They've been back and forth between foster homes and the home they were removed from. For these sweet little ones it makes for a life of unpredictable chaos, fear, anxiety, depression, instability, and distrust in adults. There is a history of neglect, abuse, or both. If this had been my reality as a small child, I would be a very different person.
These kidos became so much more real to me yesterday. We want to rescue them from this hell that they did not choose or deserve, but do we have what it takes? Apart from Christ we do not. We have to really be in check of our motives. If its about me being the hero, I will be sorely dissapointed when these kids are resentful of me rather than grateful.
They have been with a loving foster family now for a while, whom they've made progress with and are getting more comfortable with. We will potentially be the ones who are taking them away from what they know is familiar and safe. They are in counseling to be prepped for adoption. This is necessary because most kids in the system have a lot of anxiety over being moved, even when its in their best interests. We will have to earn their trust and show them that we are equally safe and allow them time to become familiar with us. It will mean embarrassing grocery store scenes and trips to meet with the school counselor. It will mean cutting back on our other commitments to friends, church and family so that we can make the initial investment. It will mean a lot of sacrifice with not much thanks if any, at least in the beginning.
My prayer and request of all of you who may encounter us or who will encounter us once we get our kids home (whom ever they may be), please show them and us a crazy amount of grace and patience. They very well might come off like little monsters. They might be in full on survival mode, only accessing their brain stem, and processing inadequately their new environment. Jeremy and I will likely be a grumpy and frazzled mess. If I snap at you, my sincerest apologies in advance.
All that said... Still so excited!!!!!!! Even if we don't get these two, its nice to feel like things are in motion. Waiting is hard and I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its a chaotic, multi-colored strobe.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
A Beautiful Crazy Life
We live a beautiful and full life. I wouldn't trade it or anyone in it for anything or anyone. Sometimes it can be overwhelming though. Sometimes my heart and my head run out of room to process it all. Its like eating too much ice cream. It never stops being yummy, but a stomach ache is probably in your future. Sunday was a day in which I bit off a little bit more than I could process. I was in a constant social setting from 9am to 9pm. It was a day full of wonderful things and people that I wanted to be with and thoroughly enjoyed.
I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often. Ladies, this is so true. We compare and criticize in multiple life categories... Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that... I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out. We've got to stop this. We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short. When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride. When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from. I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself. I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering. Which leads us to the next social setting...
From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch. He's gotten so big!! He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever. They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much. We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected. What is our roll here? What are the proper boundaries? Are we stepping over any of their boundaries? How do I feel and how should I feel? How do they feel? Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by. Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that. We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back? Did we dial back too much or not enough? Should I have offered to change a diaper? This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon. I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok). I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar. We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.
From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before. Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.
From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church. We'll miss them very much! May God bless them in their ministry and service!
I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was. At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time. I'm sure you can guess what followed. Melt-Down!
My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day. Poor guy.
I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day. This is not a productive exercise. God is in control. It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God. There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God. We should follow his example and do the same. Go get refreshed. Don't feel guilty about it. Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.
I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often. Ladies, this is so true. We compare and criticize in multiple life categories... Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that... I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out. We've got to stop this. We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short. When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride. When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from. I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself. I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering. Which leads us to the next social setting...
From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch. He's gotten so big!! He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever. They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much. We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected. What is our roll here? What are the proper boundaries? Are we stepping over any of their boundaries? How do I feel and how should I feel? How do they feel? Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by. Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that. We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back? Did we dial back too much or not enough? Should I have offered to change a diaper? This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon. I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok). I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar. We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.
From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before. Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.
From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church. We'll miss them very much! May God bless them in their ministry and service!
I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was. At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time. I'm sure you can guess what followed. Melt-Down!
My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day. Poor guy.
I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day. This is not a productive exercise. God is in control. It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God. There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God. We should follow his example and do the same. Go get refreshed. Don't feel guilty about it. Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Grief
I think I'm learning a bit about grief, on what I would consider a smaller scale than what you would typically think of. I had a mini melt down last night that just came out of no where.
We're planning to meet up with our Booger's new family in the next few weeks for a visit. I was driving home last night and started thinking about Booger what it will be like to get to see him again, but this time really not as ours. Thoughts like "he won't recognize my voice or my face or my smell any more" started running through my head. I think this is the first time its really hit me and the first time I realized how much I'm going to miss that. And then my next thoughts were related to how selfish that all sounded in my head. He's going to have that and more with our new friends. He's not losing anything and we did this for him. Its about him. (And just so we're clear, still totally excited to get to see him!!)
But then I felt like God told me it was OK to morn my own loss and that its not selfish. This broken system trying to help broken children from broken homes and hard places was not how it was meant to be. And the fact that its necessary is worth a few tears to say the least. My heart was wired for plan A. God has called us to step out side of that and see "the least of these." This was not how we we're designed to function at our core and so that means we should expect some difficulty and heartache.
So I don't want to leave you on such a sad note... we're moving forward with excitement and enthusiasm! We're obviously still open to the foster to adopt route, but we're taking a momentary detour to consider and submit our home study for a sibling group of two, ages 6 and 7, who are already 100% eligible for adoption. We don't know if these are the kidos for us, but we're moving forward and trusting God to steer us. A rudder is useless if the boat isn't already moving.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Here we go again
Ok... We got a bit of a breather, which not going to lie, was really nice. Most new parents don't get that opportunity to take a few weeks off and re-group. It makes me wonder though, if God thought we needed a relatively easy practice run with a sweet sweet baby (who's forever family has sent us pictures and we're planning a visit with them soon), and then a few weeks off, during which we went to this awesome conference on connection at adoption and loving kids from hard places (there will be a rabbit trail on this subject in a few paragraphs), He must have something really entertaining and exhausting in store for us.
I'll give you a moment to let your imaginations run wild with humorous scenes of us chasing around a couple of wild little monsters (a term of endearment)...
This might sound insane, but I'm actually looking forward to having some funny, pulling my hair out, stories to tell on myself and our future kidos in blogs yet to come. The kinds of stories that aren't funny at that particular moment, but 10 minutes to 10 years later they're hilarious. And you can bet there will be stories dripping with sappy cuteness and sweetness. And we can't leave out the "kids say the darnedest things" kind of stories. Those are my favorite.
There will also be sad stories, as we work through their attachment issues, their loss and grieving process in regard to their biological family, and reasons and events which led to their being removed. These stories will never be funny to anyone, and I will likely filter them some for their privacy and to spare all of you knowing the things that even I would rather not know.
This conference we went to focused on helping children from hard places work through their past and present and grow into the beautiful people they already are. Empowered to Connect. The main speaker was the author of "The Connected Child" which I fully intend to read from cover to cover, probably more than once. Dr. Purvis is the child whisper. She was and is key in the development of the Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) parenting method. The counseling and research work she has done is incredible and has achieved fabulous results in children of all risk levels. I wish I could just download everything she knows from her brain to mine. If you are a parent of a private, foreign, domestic adoption, or foster to adopt child, you need to get this book and go to the next conference if you're able. We'll probably go again for a refresher next year.
http://empoweredtoconnect.org/
We feel refreshed, energized, and ready to go with a healthy bit of respectful fear moving forward toward what and who God has for us. We're going to open our home back up the first full week in October because of work scheduling reasons. And since we're open to foster placements that seem likely to move toward adoption rather than just adoptive placements, we're likely to have placements rather quickly. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
I'll give you a moment to let your imaginations run wild with humorous scenes of us chasing around a couple of wild little monsters (a term of endearment)...
This might sound insane, but I'm actually looking forward to having some funny, pulling my hair out, stories to tell on myself and our future kidos in blogs yet to come. The kinds of stories that aren't funny at that particular moment, but 10 minutes to 10 years later they're hilarious. And you can bet there will be stories dripping with sappy cuteness and sweetness. And we can't leave out the "kids say the darnedest things" kind of stories. Those are my favorite.
There will also be sad stories, as we work through their attachment issues, their loss and grieving process in regard to their biological family, and reasons and events which led to their being removed. These stories will never be funny to anyone, and I will likely filter them some for their privacy and to spare all of you knowing the things that even I would rather not know.
This conference we went to focused on helping children from hard places work through their past and present and grow into the beautiful people they already are. Empowered to Connect. The main speaker was the author of "The Connected Child" which I fully intend to read from cover to cover, probably more than once. Dr. Purvis is the child whisper. She was and is key in the development of the Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) parenting method. The counseling and research work she has done is incredible and has achieved fabulous results in children of all risk levels. I wish I could just download everything she knows from her brain to mine. If you are a parent of a private, foreign, domestic adoption, or foster to adopt child, you need to get this book and go to the next conference if you're able. We'll probably go again for a refresher next year.
http://empoweredtoconnect.org/
We feel refreshed, energized, and ready to go with a healthy bit of respectful fear moving forward toward what and who God has for us. We're going to open our home back up the first full week in October because of work scheduling reasons. And since we're open to foster placements that seem likely to move toward adoption rather than just adoptive placements, we're likely to have placements rather quickly. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Confused Emotions in the Heart of a Mother
We met our little Booger's new family, and they are sweet and lovely people. We have a lot of common beliefs, values, and hobbies, not to mention they're fellow Aggies. After meeting Booger's older biological sister that he has now been reunited with, this was the right choice. She's old enough to have attached to this family, and moving her, in the short term, would have been more traumatic for sure. In the long term we can truly see that it would have been a wash, and that they would have thrived in either family environment. And so, the short term became the deciding factor.
He's with them this weekend and we'll permanently move him during the week this week. The logical part of my brain is more than good with this. We're not going to worry about his safety and care. We know he'll be loved and nurtured. And this isn't good bye forever. Its obvious they have deep sympathy for us and the loss that we're feeling, and if things had gone the other way we would have had similar sympathy for them. They're more than willing to keep us in the loop and allow us to continue to be a part of his life. We might even consider them good friends at some point.
Up until this morning the logical, analytic part of my brain has been driving the ship for the most part. I've had and still have an overwhelming peace about the outcome of this little adventure. But as I sit here in my quiet kitchen, with no baby snores or coos, no diapers to change or bottles to make, I'm sad. I don't think I realized I would miss it all quite this much. I was thinking positive, looking forward to a full nights sleep, sleeping in, a Saturday where I didn't have to pack up the whole house just to go to the grocery store, and maybe getting in a run or a trip to the gym. I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm sure every mother out there would give me a loud "Amen," I'm still enjoying those things today. But there's a little hole in my heart that I didn't even realize I had so completely given to our little Booger. I love him and I'm going to miss him deeply.
This morning my heart goes out to young or struggling mothers who out of love for their children choose willingly to give them up for adoption in hopes that their life will be better with someone else. On some level, the way I'm feeling today might be in a way comparable to the simultaneous and conflicting grief and relief that they must feel. Its a confusing state. You know its the right thing, but your heart aches just the same. Bless you for giving that child life. Bless you for putting their needs ahead of your own. Bless you for being so brave and strong. Bless you for putting aside your pride and being vulnerable to criticism for your choice. Today you have become true heroes in my eyes. Don't let anyone treat you as less than wonderful.
He's with them this weekend and we'll permanently move him during the week this week. The logical part of my brain is more than good with this. We're not going to worry about his safety and care. We know he'll be loved and nurtured. And this isn't good bye forever. Its obvious they have deep sympathy for us and the loss that we're feeling, and if things had gone the other way we would have had similar sympathy for them. They're more than willing to keep us in the loop and allow us to continue to be a part of his life. We might even consider them good friends at some point.
Up until this morning the logical, analytic part of my brain has been driving the ship for the most part. I've had and still have an overwhelming peace about the outcome of this little adventure. But as I sit here in my quiet kitchen, with no baby snores or coos, no diapers to change or bottles to make, I'm sad. I don't think I realized I would miss it all quite this much. I was thinking positive, looking forward to a full nights sleep, sleeping in, a Saturday where I didn't have to pack up the whole house just to go to the grocery store, and maybe getting in a run or a trip to the gym. I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm sure every mother out there would give me a loud "Amen," I'm still enjoying those things today. But there's a little hole in my heart that I didn't even realize I had so completely given to our little Booger. I love him and I'm going to miss him deeply.
This morning my heart goes out to young or struggling mothers who out of love for their children choose willingly to give them up for adoption in hopes that their life will be better with someone else. On some level, the way I'm feeling today might be in a way comparable to the simultaneous and conflicting grief and relief that they must feel. Its a confusing state. You know its the right thing, but your heart aches just the same. Bless you for giving that child life. Bless you for putting their needs ahead of your own. Bless you for being so brave and strong. Bless you for putting aside your pride and being vulnerable to criticism for your choice. Today you have become true heroes in my eyes. Don't let anyone treat you as less than wonderful.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Interesting week ahead... God is in control
Well, its safe to say that this life is far from boring. Today our niece will be born, any minute now in fact. Tomorrow we meet Booger's new family. This coming weekend we'll make sure we have everything together that needs to go with him for his permanent move the following week. Then we're going to take a few weeks off to recover, re-group and re-invest in each other as a couple.
There an odd mixture of sadness, grief, excitement, joy, hope, anticipation, gratitude and peace going on in my heart and my head.
We're sad to see our Booger go, though I don't think this is good bye forever. The family he's going to has expressed a desire to keep us somewhat involved and informed, which is extremely generous of them. We will miss him and grieve the loss of course. That goes without saying, but this parting could be much more traumatic and sorrowful.
We're excited to see what God has in store for us though. This is an adventure to be sure. I used to fear unknowns, and at times I still do, but for some reason this process is keeping me on the edge of my seat in a good way. Maybe God wired me for this from the beginning.
We're hopeful that this change is going to be a good thing for our Booger in the long run. We're also hopeful and wait in joyful anticipation to meet the other kids God has in mind for us to bless and pour into along the way. We hope that maybe we're inspiring others to take up the cause and advocate for the orphaned and fatherless, and at the same time encouraging others who are already in the trenches with us.
At the moment, the overwhelming feelings I have are gratitude and peace. I'm grateful for the time we had with Booger and for the way he helped us get our feet wet in dealing with the system. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have loved on him and started his little life off on the right foot. I'm grateful for this new family and the gracious way that they're taking this on and their desire to meet with us to make Booger's transition a smooth one. Above all, God has given me just a peace about this whole thing. I'm not fearful for Booger's safety or care. I'm confident he will be loved. I'm not sure how else to say it... I'm feeling grief, but there is really not a whole lot of anxiety... Just peace.
There an odd mixture of sadness, grief, excitement, joy, hope, anticipation, gratitude and peace going on in my heart and my head.
We're sad to see our Booger go, though I don't think this is good bye forever. The family he's going to has expressed a desire to keep us somewhat involved and informed, which is extremely generous of them. We will miss him and grieve the loss of course. That goes without saying, but this parting could be much more traumatic and sorrowful.
We're excited to see what God has in store for us though. This is an adventure to be sure. I used to fear unknowns, and at times I still do, but for some reason this process is keeping me on the edge of my seat in a good way. Maybe God wired me for this from the beginning.
We're hopeful that this change is going to be a good thing for our Booger in the long run. We're also hopeful and wait in joyful anticipation to meet the other kids God has in mind for us to bless and pour into along the way. We hope that maybe we're inspiring others to take up the cause and advocate for the orphaned and fatherless, and at the same time encouraging others who are already in the trenches with us.
At the moment, the overwhelming feelings I have are gratitude and peace. I'm grateful for the time we had with Booger and for the way he helped us get our feet wet in dealing with the system. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have loved on him and started his little life off on the right foot. I'm grateful for this new family and the gracious way that they're taking this on and their desire to meet with us to make Booger's transition a smooth one. Above all, God has given me just a peace about this whole thing. I'm not fearful for Booger's safety or care. I'm confident he will be loved. I'm not sure how else to say it... I'm feeling grief, but there is really not a whole lot of anxiety... Just peace.
John 14:27New International Version (NIV)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
We knew this could happen...
This is what we signed up for. We signed up for the uncertainty and the risk. We signed up for this because these little lives are worth the risk and they are deserving of love even if they're stuck in a flawed system.
But there is no way to prepare your heart or your head for having a child taken from you.
There have been and will be tears and all the various stages of grief (though I preemptively began that process last week when I found out that this might happen). We may have only had our little booger for about 2 months, but we loved on him and treated him as if he were our own, and in our hearts he always will be.
He's not going back to the bad situation he was taken from. Where he's going we are led to believe he will be safe, loved and care for. Where he's going he will have both a mom a dad and he'll be reunited with a biological sibling, and they will be raised together in the same home. We are sad that it will not be our home.
Its going to be a somewhat gradual transition and it looks like we're going to get to meet his new family. We'll hopefully get to pass along the tid-bits of personal information on our booger. That is not typically how this works. We can share with them the formula that seems to set well with his tummy and what his current sleep schedule is. We're going to send him with pictures and the quilt that was so lovingly made for him by a dear friend of ours. Hopefully they will feel comfortable keeping us informed as to how he's doing.
We will miss him for sure, but I know that this means God has other children in mind for us. He just needed us to take care of Booger for a bit so that his forever family could get their bearings. The reasons given by the powers that be don't really matter, as illogical and unfair as they may seem. God is ultimately in control and he always has a reason and purpose. We are grateful for the time that we've had with him and the love we were able to show him.
And before you all go painting us as saints or these strong people that you could never be... My heart is very broken as is Jeremy's, and thoughts throwing in the towel have certainly crossed both of our minds. I've eaten my fair share of chocolate this last week and if we kept ice cream in the house it would be all gone. Our strength is not our own. Our hope is in Christ, and his call on our lives is to care for the orphaned.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:26-27
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33
But there is no way to prepare your heart or your head for having a child taken from you.
There have been and will be tears and all the various stages of grief (though I preemptively began that process last week when I found out that this might happen). We may have only had our little booger for about 2 months, but we loved on him and treated him as if he were our own, and in our hearts he always will be.
He's not going back to the bad situation he was taken from. Where he's going we are led to believe he will be safe, loved and care for. Where he's going he will have both a mom a dad and he'll be reunited with a biological sibling, and they will be raised together in the same home. We are sad that it will not be our home.
Its going to be a somewhat gradual transition and it looks like we're going to get to meet his new family. We'll hopefully get to pass along the tid-bits of personal information on our booger. That is not typically how this works. We can share with them the formula that seems to set well with his tummy and what his current sleep schedule is. We're going to send him with pictures and the quilt that was so lovingly made for him by a dear friend of ours. Hopefully they will feel comfortable keeping us informed as to how he's doing.
We will miss him for sure, but I know that this means God has other children in mind for us. He just needed us to take care of Booger for a bit so that his forever family could get their bearings. The reasons given by the powers that be don't really matter, as illogical and unfair as they may seem. God is ultimately in control and he always has a reason and purpose. We are grateful for the time that we've had with him and the love we were able to show him.
And before you all go painting us as saints or these strong people that you could never be... My heart is very broken as is Jeremy's, and thoughts throwing in the towel have certainly crossed both of our minds. I've eaten my fair share of chocolate this last week and if we kept ice cream in the house it would be all gone. Our strength is not our own. Our hope is in Christ, and his call on our lives is to care for the orphaned.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:26-27
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Hopeful Anxiety
Our Booger is doing great. His tummy issues seem to be resolved for the most part. He's eating more and more, getting bigger and bigger, and sleeping better and better. And we're getting more and more attached.
Dealing with a government agency is always difficult and uncertain through no specific fault of any one individual involved. There are so many moving parts its mind boggling. The hopeful state we were previously in has been threatened a bit. Either way our Booger is going to be well loved and taken care of. No decisions have been made, and it will be a difficult decision for the powers that be, with pros and cons for either direction this could go. Again, I would not want to be the detached third party making these decisions affecting the futures of the children and families in question.
Never the less, my anxiety is mounting as we wait for their decision. It will bring big change for us either way. If the decision is not in our favor I will be devastated. If the decision is in our favor I will be overjoyed, but still heavy hearted for the other potential family in question.
I've been reminded over and over the last 24 hours that my hope needs to be in the Lord and not in people or the government. What ever happens, it was always in His plan, and He can see the bigger picture. My sight and perspective are finite and limited. I know what I want, but the problem with that statement is "I." Its not about me. It's about our Booger and God's plan for his life. All we can do is pray that God gives the powers that be wisdom and discernment in making their decision.
Dealing with a government agency is always difficult and uncertain through no specific fault of any one individual involved. There are so many moving parts its mind boggling. The hopeful state we were previously in has been threatened a bit. Either way our Booger is going to be well loved and taken care of. No decisions have been made, and it will be a difficult decision for the powers that be, with pros and cons for either direction this could go. Again, I would not want to be the detached third party making these decisions affecting the futures of the children and families in question.
Never the less, my anxiety is mounting as we wait for their decision. It will bring big change for us either way. If the decision is not in our favor I will be devastated. If the decision is in our favor I will be overjoyed, but still heavy hearted for the other potential family in question.
I've been reminded over and over the last 24 hours that my hope needs to be in the Lord and not in people or the government. What ever happens, it was always in His plan, and He can see the bigger picture. My sight and perspective are finite and limited. I know what I want, but the problem with that statement is "I." Its not about me. It's about our Booger and God's plan for his life. All we can do is pray that God gives the powers that be wisdom and discernment in making their decision.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Waiting Game Continues...
Jeremy has affectionately nicknamed our little one "Booger," and his full nickname is "Booger Bear." So I decided that for the purposes of this blog that will be his name, at least until he's ours and we can use his real name. There's just something about a grown man talking baby talk to an infant or small child that is beyond precious.
Booger is doing so well and teaching his new parents so much. If you think you're prepared for kids, you most defiantly are not. And if you think you ever could be truly prepared, you're living in a dream world I would love to move to. There's a good amount of fun and cuteness involved, but there's also a good amount of sleep deprivation and "Why is he crying? He's not hungry... Just changed his diaper..." Gas bubbles are your worst enemy! Anyway, we're learning a lot and enjoying even the difficult things, but all in all I think we got a cute and sweet little deal. He's growing like crazy, which is incredible to watch. His social interaction is developing and improving, which is also fun to watch and be a part of.
Yesterday we had an interesting meeting with all of the powers that be (CPS, CASA, the attorney, our agency case worker) all at the same time at our home. I was not entirely sure what to expect, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. All of the different people working on Booger's case are fabulous and obviously care about his well being, which blesses and encourages my heart to no end.
The mysterious item mentioned in my last blog is still up in the air, which is very understandable. What you need to know about most social workers is that they are almost all young (20s and 30s) and they all at least start off wanting to change the world one child at a time. The problem is that they are all underpaid, overworked, and the things they deal with and witness on a regular basis are heart breaking and tragic. And while dealing with all of this, they have to make life long impacting choices for the children in their care and under their authority. Some of the decisions they have to make for these kids I know would keep me up at night wondering if I made the right decision. My heart goes out to them, and they have my understanding and compassion no matter how their decisions impact me and my Booger.
Don't stress though, they were kind enough to give me a 95% positive chance that we're going to get to keep our Booger. There is one looming factor that could pop up at any moment and take him that is outside of their control, but at the moment this one entity is not showing any interest or intent to seek custody. We just need to keep that in the back of our minds, but by no means allow it to affect the amount of love we shower on Booger Bear. He deserves every ounce of it and is so worth the potential heart break.
Booger is doing so well and teaching his new parents so much. If you think you're prepared for kids, you most defiantly are not. And if you think you ever could be truly prepared, you're living in a dream world I would love to move to. There's a good amount of fun and cuteness involved, but there's also a good amount of sleep deprivation and "Why is he crying? He's not hungry... Just changed his diaper..." Gas bubbles are your worst enemy! Anyway, we're learning a lot and enjoying even the difficult things, but all in all I think we got a cute and sweet little deal. He's growing like crazy, which is incredible to watch. His social interaction is developing and improving, which is also fun to watch and be a part of.
Yesterday we had an interesting meeting with all of the powers that be (CPS, CASA, the attorney, our agency case worker) all at the same time at our home. I was not entirely sure what to expect, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. All of the different people working on Booger's case are fabulous and obviously care about his well being, which blesses and encourages my heart to no end.
The mysterious item mentioned in my last blog is still up in the air, which is very understandable. What you need to know about most social workers is that they are almost all young (20s and 30s) and they all at least start off wanting to change the world one child at a time. The problem is that they are all underpaid, overworked, and the things they deal with and witness on a regular basis are heart breaking and tragic. And while dealing with all of this, they have to make life long impacting choices for the children in their care and under their authority. Some of the decisions they have to make for these kids I know would keep me up at night wondering if I made the right decision. My heart goes out to them, and they have my understanding and compassion no matter how their decisions impact me and my Booger.
Don't stress though, they were kind enough to give me a 95% positive chance that we're going to get to keep our Booger. There is one looming factor that could pop up at any moment and take him that is outside of their control, but at the moment this one entity is not showing any interest or intent to seek custody. We just need to keep that in the back of our minds, but by no means allow it to affect the amount of love we shower on Booger Bear. He deserves every ounce of it and is so worth the potential heart break.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
While I'm Waiting...
There's a wonderful song by John Waller that pretty much sums up life in general, if you ask me, called "While I'm Waiting."
Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I'm not always bold or confident, sometimes I lose sight of my hope, I'm rarely patient or peaceful, but this is the direction I want to grow in. My desire is to have faith like this and this whole foster/adopt process is certainly molding and transforming me in that direction for sure.
Things are looking good for us right now. We met our little one's CASA worker yesterday. She seems like a wonderful person. The CASA organization is something that I find really interesting. Court Appointed Special Advocate. She gave us a lot more information which came with a lot of good news and hope for us. The court case seems to be moving quickly and in our favor. There are potentially some new developments that could add some more excitement to our lives in the coming weeks and months. It would be a good thing if these new developments came to fruition, and it would be very nearly as crazy as having 8 hours notice prior to receiving an infant into our home. I'm going to hold back on saying much more just yet, and even as things develop, I'll have to stay somewhat vague. There's still a fairly high level of uncertainty as to if this will even happen and how it might go.
And that is where I'll leave you... In complete suspense so that you can practice waiting with me. Run the race my friends. A rudder is useless to guide and turn you if your boat isn't already moving. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the crazy ride.
Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I'm not always bold or confident, sometimes I lose sight of my hope, I'm rarely patient or peaceful, but this is the direction I want to grow in. My desire is to have faith like this and this whole foster/adopt process is certainly molding and transforming me in that direction for sure.
Things are looking good for us right now. We met our little one's CASA worker yesterday. She seems like a wonderful person. The CASA organization is something that I find really interesting. Court Appointed Special Advocate. She gave us a lot more information which came with a lot of good news and hope for us. The court case seems to be moving quickly and in our favor. There are potentially some new developments that could add some more excitement to our lives in the coming weeks and months. It would be a good thing if these new developments came to fruition, and it would be very nearly as crazy as having 8 hours notice prior to receiving an infant into our home. I'm going to hold back on saying much more just yet, and even as things develop, I'll have to stay somewhat vague. There's still a fairly high level of uncertainty as to if this will even happen and how it might go.
And that is where I'll leave you... In complete suspense so that you can practice waiting with me. Run the race my friends. A rudder is useless to guide and turn you if your boat isn't already moving. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the crazy ride.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Week Three Begins - Adjusting to our New Normal
Our little booger is precious, no doubt about it. Its starting to get hard to imagine life before him and we've only had him a little over two weeks. The nursery is almost ready, thanks to the generosity of so many (still need to do thank you notes... they're coming I promise) and the hard work of my sweetie. We're starting to get into a grove. We're figuring out his different cries and noises. He's grown so much already, its incredible.
I think the hardest part about this is the speed at which things can change, and without warning. Its the nature of how we're going about adopting. Many have told me they couldn't do what we're doing. Their hearts couldn't take it. Not gonna lie... It would break my heart to let this little guy go now. And six months from now, I can only imagine it would be ten times harder. But this is bigger than me or Jeremy.
In some of the classes we took through our agency in order to get licensed we learned some really interesting things about brain chemistry and how things during these first few months and years can have a significant impact on a great number of things. Its really incredible. So if nothing else, I can rest easy knowing that we're having a life long impact on this little guy. Even if we only have him for a little while, what we're doing for him now is important. Its not about us. Its about him. And God has called us to do as much as we can for him in the time that we have him, whether that be 6 months or 18 years (still hoping and praying for the 18 years).
I think the hardest part about this is the speed at which things can change, and without warning. Its the nature of how we're going about adopting. Many have told me they couldn't do what we're doing. Their hearts couldn't take it. Not gonna lie... It would break my heart to let this little guy go now. And six months from now, I can only imagine it would be ten times harder. But this is bigger than me or Jeremy.
In some of the classes we took through our agency in order to get licensed we learned some really interesting things about brain chemistry and how things during these first few months and years can have a significant impact on a great number of things. Its really incredible. So if nothing else, I can rest easy knowing that we're having a life long impact on this little guy. Even if we only have him for a little while, what we're doing for him now is important. Its not about us. Its about him. And God has called us to do as much as we can for him in the time that we have him, whether that be 6 months or 18 years (still hoping and praying for the 18 years).
Monday, July 15, 2013
Big change sometimes comes in a small package... unexpectedly and in a hurry
We were expecting a call last Monday from our agency regarding the sibling group mentioned in my two previous entries, but we were not expecting them to present us with another completely different opportunity. The call came at about 11:30am that there was a beautiful and healthy infant in need of a foster placement, and the child's case was very likely to move toward removal of parental rights and adoption. This is very rare. What's even more rare is that we were, at that moment, the only foster parents that had been called with this opportunity.
We said yes.
The next 4 hours were torture waiting for the call back to confirm that the child would be placed with us. Both Jeremy and myself were about to lose our minds. The excitement and immediately pending changes were just looming over our heads.
At about 3:30pm we got the confirmation and I rushed home to meet with our agency caseworker and sign all of the paper work with Jeremy. There was a slight delay and we were able to make an emergency target run for things like diapers and wipes and such.
The CPS caseworker arrived with our new little one at about 8pm to a welcoming party of our neighbors waiting in the driveway. I love our neighbors! This is only one of the many ways that they've blessed us.
By 9pm we were on our own. First time parents with a tiny baby. We had a pac n play that one of our friends at church had given us, a few things from my always prepared mother in law, a few things from the hospital, a few things from our agency, and the things we quickly purchased before he arrived, and that's it. There was no 9 month preparation. There was no decorated nursery and neatly organized changing table. I had been reading up on attachment at adoption for toddlers and young children, not about caring for an infant. Our preferred age range was 0-5. We honestly never thought we would actually get a 0 rather than a 5 year old.
We made it through the first night. My employers were so accommodating and let me take the week off to adjust. We sent out an email to our neighborhood Google group, posted our situation on Facebook, and then watched a flood of hand-me-downs and baby things come through our door over the next few days. Our friends, family, church, co-workers, and neighbors have really blessed us. We now have pretty much everything we need and enough gift cards to cover the remaining items.
Its been a crazy week full of change, chaos, love, faithfulness, miraculous provision, and very little sleep. We're loving every minute of this! Though I am more than ready for things to level out a bit and for us to get into a more consistent routine. I think I've probably lost about 5 lbs, just because we keep forgetting to eat. If our friends, family and neighbors hadn't been bringing us food, I probably would have lost at least 10 lbs by now.
Week 1 down... there shall be more to come...
We said yes.
The next 4 hours were torture waiting for the call back to confirm that the child would be placed with us. Both Jeremy and myself were about to lose our minds. The excitement and immediately pending changes were just looming over our heads.
At about 3:30pm we got the confirmation and I rushed home to meet with our agency caseworker and sign all of the paper work with Jeremy. There was a slight delay and we were able to make an emergency target run for things like diapers and wipes and such.
The CPS caseworker arrived with our new little one at about 8pm to a welcoming party of our neighbors waiting in the driveway. I love our neighbors! This is only one of the many ways that they've blessed us.
By 9pm we were on our own. First time parents with a tiny baby. We had a pac n play that one of our friends at church had given us, a few things from my always prepared mother in law, a few things from the hospital, a few things from our agency, and the things we quickly purchased before he arrived, and that's it. There was no 9 month preparation. There was no decorated nursery and neatly organized changing table. I had been reading up on attachment at adoption for toddlers and young children, not about caring for an infant. Our preferred age range was 0-5. We honestly never thought we would actually get a 0 rather than a 5 year old.
We made it through the first night. My employers were so accommodating and let me take the week off to adjust. We sent out an email to our neighborhood Google group, posted our situation on Facebook, and then watched a flood of hand-me-downs and baby things come through our door over the next few days. Our friends, family, church, co-workers, and neighbors have really blessed us. We now have pretty much everything we need and enough gift cards to cover the remaining items.
Its been a crazy week full of change, chaos, love, faithfulness, miraculous provision, and very little sleep. We're loving every minute of this! Though I am more than ready for things to level out a bit and for us to get into a more consistent routine. I think I've probably lost about 5 lbs, just because we keep forgetting to eat. If our friends, family and neighbors hadn't been bringing us food, I probably would have lost at least 10 lbs by now.
Week 1 down... there shall be more to come...
Friday, July 5, 2013
A Tender Heart
Some would see a tender heart as a weakness, but I think its a strength. Its a tragedy when tender hearts are hardened by the struggle that is this life. I would argue that maintaining a tender heart, in spite of painful and difficult experiences, is brave and courageous.
We don't feel like God is calling us to take on the challenge that I mentioned vaguely in my last blog entry. Lets just say that the children in question where much older than we're considering, but because of a familiar connection our hearts were open to re-thinking our previously set boundaries. Upon coming to this conclusion, even though we have a peace about our decision, I cried and mourned for these children for probably 3 hours on Wednesday night and they are obviously still on my heart now. Even though I have never met them, they were just more real to me than the pictures we've looked at on the various state and non-profit adoption web sites for some reason (not that those precious kiddos aren't real).
I will continue to pray for them and hope for them. May God bring people into their lives that will care deeply for them. May God use their story for his glory. My hope is that they find joy and love and peace and purpose. My hope is that they find healing and closure from their past.
My prayer for Jeremy and I is that we continue to listen to God and allow him to direct us to the children he has for us. May we keep our tender hearts even though we're going to potentially see and deal with some deep and damaging hurts.
There's a reason CPS has such a high turn over. A person can only witness these atrocities for so long before they get calloused and burnt out. I can only imagine that they begin to feel as though the problem is too big and they're not really making a difference. My prayer for our case workers and advocates is that they keep their tender hearts. May they bravely bear the pain and burden of these defenseless and helpless little ones. May they find a supportive group or church that will love on them and encourage them to press on in doing good things for the least of these.
Galatians 6:9
We don't feel like God is calling us to take on the challenge that I mentioned vaguely in my last blog entry. Lets just say that the children in question where much older than we're considering, but because of a familiar connection our hearts were open to re-thinking our previously set boundaries. Upon coming to this conclusion, even though we have a peace about our decision, I cried and mourned for these children for probably 3 hours on Wednesday night and they are obviously still on my heart now. Even though I have never met them, they were just more real to me than the pictures we've looked at on the various state and non-profit adoption web sites for some reason (not that those precious kiddos aren't real).
I will continue to pray for them and hope for them. May God bring people into their lives that will care deeply for them. May God use their story for his glory. My hope is that they find joy and love and peace and purpose. My hope is that they find healing and closure from their past.
My prayer for Jeremy and I is that we continue to listen to God and allow him to direct us to the children he has for us. May we keep our tender hearts even though we're going to potentially see and deal with some deep and damaging hurts.
There's a reason CPS has such a high turn over. A person can only witness these atrocities for so long before they get calloused and burnt out. I can only imagine that they begin to feel as though the problem is too big and they're not really making a difference. My prayer for our case workers and advocates is that they keep their tender hearts. May they bravely bear the pain and burden of these defenseless and helpless little ones. May they find a supportive group or church that will love on them and encourage them to press on in doing good things for the least of these.
Galatians 6:9
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
"You can't save them all..."
We've been given so much good advice coming from places of wisdom and experience. Specifically we've been given advice to know our limits and be realistic about what we can handle. Its so heart breaking though, to hear the stories and statistics, and feel powerless to really make a difference. We have to remember that God is bigger than all of this and he has a plan and a purpose.
We've already been in a few situations where we've had to make some hard choices. One in particular we haven't closed the book on yet. I don't know if God's asking us to take this step of faith, because that's exactly what it would be, but if He is... I don't want to look back and wonder what could have been accomplished if we had chosen to be obedient and trust him for the strength to do something hard. I also don't want to let our "savior complex," as my mom would call it, get the better of us, and allow us to romanticize the real challenges we would be facing. Is God even going to open this door as a real possibility (there's so much red tape and bureaucracy that could eliminate even having the opportunity to choose)? If God does open the door, does he mean for us to walk through it? We need to be certain, because this is no small thing, with potential for both beauty and disaster.
We've already been in a few situations where we've had to make some hard choices. One in particular we haven't closed the book on yet. I don't know if God's asking us to take this step of faith, because that's exactly what it would be, but if He is... I don't want to look back and wonder what could have been accomplished if we had chosen to be obedient and trust him for the strength to do something hard. I also don't want to let our "savior complex," as my mom would call it, get the better of us, and allow us to romanticize the real challenges we would be facing. Is God even going to open this door as a real possibility (there's so much red tape and bureaucracy that could eliminate even having the opportunity to choose)? If God does open the door, does he mean for us to walk through it? We need to be certain, because this is no small thing, with potential for both beauty and disaster.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Here we go...
Its been a while since my last post. Much has happened. My friend Chapel threw us a Noonday party, I was in a car accident (not my fault and no one was hurt), my mom had a surgery that scared us all a little bit (she's doing great and our fears were unnecessary), Jeremy broke his arm, we got a free play scape (played a part in Jeremy breaking his arm), we both got sick, we got a new couch (don't ask, long story), some good things happened for me at work, and last but certainly not least... Last Wednesday we became officially licensed to be foster/adoptive parents!
We bounce back and forth between crazy excited and fearful of the uncertain changes coming our way. I think that's probably true for every parent to be if they truly understand the responsibility they're about to take on. Even good change can be scary and potentially difficult things can be exciting. Its a fabulously confusing mixture. Processing all of this has made for some interesting mood swings in both of us. Add in all of the other drama we've dealt with over the last few weeks...
I think God's preparing us for our peaceful honey moon world to be disrupted and thrown for a loop by the sweet little ones he's already set aside for us. Its going to be wonderful, even when it isn't wonderful, because we're doing what God has called us to. There will be moments when we won't know what to do and there will be moments when we feel like we've got this. There will be moments of disappointment and frustration as well has moments of joy and pride in the accomplishments and progress of our kiddos. There are so many ways to rationalize a safe and comfortable life that's all about me, but where's the fun in that?
We bounce back and forth between crazy excited and fearful of the uncertain changes coming our way. I think that's probably true for every parent to be if they truly understand the responsibility they're about to take on. Even good change can be scary and potentially difficult things can be exciting. Its a fabulously confusing mixture. Processing all of this has made for some interesting mood swings in both of us. Add in all of the other drama we've dealt with over the last few weeks...
I think God's preparing us for our peaceful honey moon world to be disrupted and thrown for a loop by the sweet little ones he's already set aside for us. Its going to be wonderful, even when it isn't wonderful, because we're doing what God has called us to. There will be moments when we won't know what to do and there will be moments when we feel like we've got this. There will be moments of disappointment and frustration as well has moments of joy and pride in the accomplishments and progress of our kiddos. There are so many ways to rationalize a safe and comfortable life that's all about me, but where's the fun in that?
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Newly addicted to Pinterest
Ok, so I finally gave in and created a Pinterest account. Its actually pretty awesome, and I can see how people get sucked in. For me its serving the purpose of collecting a spectrum of kid ideas. Since we're not going specifically for an infant, I need an arsenal of activities and ideas for ages 0-5. And because we're waiting till September for logistical reasons and I am unable to "nest" and plan and decorate kid rooms and prepare specifically... I could go on... This is temporarily satisfying my need to do those things. Its keeping all of my brain storming and collecting in one neat little location that doesn't take up any space in my house. I think I might be in love.
For those of you already parenting, please feel free to share your wisdom and ideas. I don't mind collecting them here as well.
For those of you already parenting, please feel free to share your wisdom and ideas. I don't mind collecting them here as well.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
Practice Time
We're going to have a full house this weekend. Another family in our agency is needing to go out of town without little ones in tow, so we're going to help them out. We'll probably do this a few times through out the summer while we're waiting to open our house for more permanent placements. So if you see us with a bunch of kids and then you see us again with a different bunch of kids, that's why.
While kids are still in the system parents are very limited as to who can baby sit and keep them over night especially. Respite care is a huge need for families serving the children of the State of Texas. The process to become respite care certified is a little bit of a hassle (though much simpler than becoming foster/adoptive parents), but if you have a heart for kids in foster care and don't have the ability to sign up full time, this might be something you should consider.
Both mine and Jeremy's parents are getting respite care certified, and a few of our friends have mentioned wanting to look into it. That blesses my heart like you wouldn't believe. To be able to have a date night or a weekend away from time to time will be our saving grace. I know there are many families that dive into this without that kind of support system. We are so blessed.
While kids are still in the system parents are very limited as to who can baby sit and keep them over night especially. Respite care is a huge need for families serving the children of the State of Texas. The process to become respite care certified is a little bit of a hassle (though much simpler than becoming foster/adoptive parents), but if you have a heart for kids in foster care and don't have the ability to sign up full time, this might be something you should consider.
Both mine and Jeremy's parents are getting respite care certified, and a few of our friends have mentioned wanting to look into it. That blesses my heart like you wouldn't believe. To be able to have a date night or a weekend away from time to time will be our saving grace. I know there are many families that dive into this without that kind of support system. We are so blessed.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Confessions of a control freak...
So sometimes I feel like a complete spaz. You might read this, or actually know me, and think I'm crazy, and you would be correct.
I worry and stress about the silliest things. And I don't just do it for a few hours or a few days. I have the talent of dragging it out for weeks. If I feel like I did or said something insensitive, selfish or just silly, even after apologizing up and down, I'll be concerned about how that person really feels about me for a long time afterward. Poor Jeremy. Sometimes I'll be apologizing to him while I'm still mad at him for whatever I may have confronted him about. How confusing would that be?!
I can't control how people feel about me. I can't undo my mistakes, and I make plenty. All I can do it try my best to make it right, to learn from it for the future, and to move on. The moving on is the part I have the hardest time with. There was a saying that I coined for myself back in high school (this worry thing is a long standing sin I've been battling), "God is bigger than my conversational blunders." And He is! Praise Jesus!
Philippians 4:6-7
I worry and stress about the silliest things. And I don't just do it for a few hours or a few days. I have the talent of dragging it out for weeks. If I feel like I did or said something insensitive, selfish or just silly, even after apologizing up and down, I'll be concerned about how that person really feels about me for a long time afterward. Poor Jeremy. Sometimes I'll be apologizing to him while I'm still mad at him for whatever I may have confronted him about. How confusing would that be?!
I can't control how people feel about me. I can't undo my mistakes, and I make plenty. All I can do it try my best to make it right, to learn from it for the future, and to move on. The moving on is the part I have the hardest time with. There was a saying that I coined for myself back in high school (this worry thing is a long standing sin I've been battling), "God is bigger than my conversational blunders." And He is! Praise Jesus!
Philippians 4:6-7
Friday, May 3, 2013
The beginning of a great many things
I'm going to give this blogging thing a try... bear with me...
My husband and I are almost finished getting licensed to foster/adopt. We're excited, nervous, scared, and a whole combination of other emotions. This blog will mostly consist of our journey through becoming and being parents to the children that God places in our home. Adoption is something that we're both passionate about and its something we both feel called to do. How convenient, right? Coincidence? I think not. God has his hand in everything. But that is another story for another time and will most likely be re-caped in and around our next wedding anniversary.
Right now we're just waiting... I'm not good at waiting. Really really really not good at it. There are many unknowns and plans that can't be made yet. Its driving me a little crazy, because I love to plan. I plan for a living even. Its what I do, its how I function and its how I think. So this waiting, even to plan, is killing me! God has done this to me several times in my life now. He takes away my ability to plan on purpose. He fills my life with not just one unknown, but a series of them, so that I have to rely on him to take care of the details. There are a few things I know for certain though. We have an age range and an open date. September 2013. Four months for me to either rest in the peace of my Lord, knowing he's in control and has it all laid out already... or four months for me to drive myself batty with unknown details that I can't plan for.
Jeremiah 29:11
My husband and I are almost finished getting licensed to foster/adopt. We're excited, nervous, scared, and a whole combination of other emotions. This blog will mostly consist of our journey through becoming and being parents to the children that God places in our home. Adoption is something that we're both passionate about and its something we both feel called to do. How convenient, right? Coincidence? I think not. God has his hand in everything. But that is another story for another time and will most likely be re-caped in and around our next wedding anniversary.
Right now we're just waiting... I'm not good at waiting. Really really really not good at it. There are many unknowns and plans that can't be made yet. Its driving me a little crazy, because I love to plan. I plan for a living even. Its what I do, its how I function and its how I think. So this waiting, even to plan, is killing me! God has done this to me several times in my life now. He takes away my ability to plan on purpose. He fills my life with not just one unknown, but a series of them, so that I have to rely on him to take care of the details. There are a few things I know for certain though. We have an age range and an open date. September 2013. Four months for me to either rest in the peace of my Lord, knowing he's in control and has it all laid out already... or four months for me to drive myself batty with unknown details that I can't plan for.
Jeremiah 29:11
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