We're putting feet to our words once again. We've had Munchkin now for 3 1/2 weeks or so. Goodness gracious! So much personality for someone so small! This little guy knows what he wants and gosh darn it he wants it now. He's demanding, but he's full of smiles and coos when you come through for him. It keeps us going when sleep deprivation, work stress and seasonal illness take their toll, and boy have they this week for me especially. Sooooo ready for some down time over the holidays!
I'm going to take this moment to say a special thanks to my mommy. She's been such a wonderful help and has graciously dealt with my stressed out, sick, and grumpy self this week. And another special thanks to my Sweetie. He's also been very sweet and gracious, and he has done his best to take care of me without jeopardizing his own health in the process. I'm feeling very loved in the midst of my medicated chaos.
On a slightly different note, here's an update for those of you who are as anxious as we are to see us actually follow through to adoption someday... This placement has not made any promises of being a potential adoptive placement. It can always end up going that way, but we took this one on with the full knowledge that its possible we won't get to keep him. This go around, we're not asking as many questions. We don't want anyone in the system to make us any promises they can't keep. We will love him while we have him, however long that may be. His particular situation tugged at our heart strings and we said yes. I can't disclose the details, but just know that everyone involved in this case holds a special place in our life's mission as Christians and as a couple.
Because we know that Munchkin might not be a permanent deal, we're remaining very open to young sibling groups of two. I know what you're thinking, and yes we are crazy, but we've seen how quickly things can change in the world of CPS and how long they can drag out as well, and we don't know which extreme Munchkin's case might lean toward. We're going to have to step out in faith and trust that God knows exactly what's on the horizon for us, and we have to trust that he's going to provide for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs as we pour ourselves out for the least of these as he's called us to.
If you would please keep us in your prayers. Its easy enough to write all of this. Doing it is not so easy and while I may sound confident and resolved, there are doubts and fears that at times pop up and can tear my eyes off of my Savior, who is my strength and supply. I think that's probably true for all of us, no matter what our specific calling in life is. So be encouraged! Doing something hard is by definition hard, but doing something easy isn't nearly as rewarding and life giving. Dare to do something hard, challenging, and risky for the sake of Christ!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Just Another Tuesday
Well, have I got a story to tell you! We had quite a Tuesday...
Yesterday morning we knew that the selection staffing for a sibling group we'd been short listed on was scheduled to happen. After it was over our agency case worker called us to tell us we had not been selected. Of course we were pretty down about that.
It had come down to four families including ours, and we were all on a fairly even playing field. The factor that eliminated us was that we have only been married for a couple years and we are by their definition still "newly weds." This is not the first time we've been eliminated as a potential adoptive placement based on the fact that we haven't been married "long enough."
We had already talked about opening back up to promising emergency foster placements and legal risk adoptive placements if this particular set of siblings didn't work out, but the reoccurring reason for not being selected sealed it for us. It was going to likely be years before we would be selected for a straight adoptive placement just because we needed to be married a little longer. If we were going to continue pursuing adoption through the foster care system, we had to take a little more risk and put our hearts on the line.
We communicated this desire to our agency case worker and within less than two hours we had received calls for two cases, an infant emergency placement that needed to be placed last night and a sibling group of two that needed to be placed by Monday of next week. We said to put our name in the hat on both cases.
Within four hours we were picking up a sweet baby to take home and we've been loving on him all day. Such a cutie!! It kills me that I can't share pictures, but there's a very good reason for that.
We left our name in the hat for the sibling group as well (we're crazy and got licensed for up to 3 kids at a time) but it's very unlikely that they will select us since we just got an infant with some minor medical needs. Our current thinking is that if we end up still being the best choice for them, then its God's will and he'll give us the strength, patience and endurance to do it.
I thing that I don't really understand is how putting a "newly wed" couple in a situation where they have 4 hours notice before getting a little baby and/or a pair of toddler to school age children would put less stress on their marriage than giving them all of the information on a set of kids, maybe a couple pre-adoption placement visits, with a set time line and the certainty of an adoptive placement... Maybe this is a test?
Yesterday morning we knew that the selection staffing for a sibling group we'd been short listed on was scheduled to happen. After it was over our agency case worker called us to tell us we had not been selected. Of course we were pretty down about that.
It had come down to four families including ours, and we were all on a fairly even playing field. The factor that eliminated us was that we have only been married for a couple years and we are by their definition still "newly weds." This is not the first time we've been eliminated as a potential adoptive placement based on the fact that we haven't been married "long enough."
We had already talked about opening back up to promising emergency foster placements and legal risk adoptive placements if this particular set of siblings didn't work out, but the reoccurring reason for not being selected sealed it for us. It was going to likely be years before we would be selected for a straight adoptive placement just because we needed to be married a little longer. If we were going to continue pursuing adoption through the foster care system, we had to take a little more risk and put our hearts on the line.
We communicated this desire to our agency case worker and within less than two hours we had received calls for two cases, an infant emergency placement that needed to be placed last night and a sibling group of two that needed to be placed by Monday of next week. We said to put our name in the hat on both cases.
Within four hours we were picking up a sweet baby to take home and we've been loving on him all day. Such a cutie!! It kills me that I can't share pictures, but there's a very good reason for that.
We left our name in the hat for the sibling group as well (we're crazy and got licensed for up to 3 kids at a time) but it's very unlikely that they will select us since we just got an infant with some minor medical needs. Our current thinking is that if we end up still being the best choice for them, then its God's will and he'll give us the strength, patience and endurance to do it.
I thing that I don't really understand is how putting a "newly wed" couple in a situation where they have 4 hours notice before getting a little baby and/or a pair of toddler to school age children would put less stress on their marriage than giving them all of the information on a set of kids, maybe a couple pre-adoption placement visits, with a set time line and the certainty of an adoptive placement... Maybe this is a test?
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Goodness Gracious...
I am a project manager. I hold all the little pieces together, make sure we're following all the rules (building code), delegate tasks to others, try to keep to the project schedule, and try to make the client happy with the design for multiple projects at a time. I understand stress and I get mind mush moments. I've sent emails that were not all together clear or referring to the wrong project all together. I've been there. I think we all have at one time or another.
When it comes to dealing with professionals who handle the lives of children though, we as parents can become a little ungracious and indignant. Whether they be an overloaded CPS case worker (in our particular situation) or your child's kindergarten teacher, we expect the best for our kids. We forget that they are doing the same juggling act that we are. The case worker probably has 60 plus cases in her case load, all equally important, life altering and urgent. The kindergarten teacher has a room full of kids at various stages of intellectual and behavioral development that she has to try to cater to within a limited amount of time and space. We hold them to a higher standard, sometimes with unrealistic expectations in our less than ideal real world environment. We forget that they are underpaid, over worked, and need to have a life outside of their occupation just as much as we do.
This week someone made a mistake. It was not malicious or intentional. It was a mistake.
On Monday morning our agency called us to give us the exciting news that we were the final selection for an adoptive placement (100% sure thing no risk involved) for a sibling group of two that we had submitted our home study on. Of course we were ecstatic! We started telling all of our friends and family. We started thinking about our holiday plans. The planner in me was anxious to know what the transition schedule was going to be and how much time we had to get their rooms ready.
Then on Tuesday we got another call from our agency to give us some less exciting news. It turns out that there was a miss communication between CPS and our agency. The email CPS had previously sent was worded in such a way that it was easily deduced that we were the final selection for these kidos, but the reality was that we were just selected for the short list, and that they would be making the final selection from this short list by the end of the month. If we had gotten this news first it would have been wonderful news, but in light of what we had been told on Monday, our moral plummeted for a bit.
Its Thursday now and we've recovered from our plummet. We are back in good spirits. We're on the short list for two sibling groups now and should hopefully know something on both of them by the end of the month. More waiting, yes, but they're worth it. We can't use this broken disjointed system as an excuse to pull out and do nothing. And we can't become calloused and bitter toward the CPS case workers that cross our paths. They're human and in need of grace and much as the rest of us.
When it comes to dealing with professionals who handle the lives of children though, we as parents can become a little ungracious and indignant. Whether they be an overloaded CPS case worker (in our particular situation) or your child's kindergarten teacher, we expect the best for our kids. We forget that they are doing the same juggling act that we are. The case worker probably has 60 plus cases in her case load, all equally important, life altering and urgent. The kindergarten teacher has a room full of kids at various stages of intellectual and behavioral development that she has to try to cater to within a limited amount of time and space. We hold them to a higher standard, sometimes with unrealistic expectations in our less than ideal real world environment. We forget that they are underpaid, over worked, and need to have a life outside of their occupation just as much as we do.
This week someone made a mistake. It was not malicious or intentional. It was a mistake.
On Monday morning our agency called us to give us the exciting news that we were the final selection for an adoptive placement (100% sure thing no risk involved) for a sibling group of two that we had submitted our home study on. Of course we were ecstatic! We started telling all of our friends and family. We started thinking about our holiday plans. The planner in me was anxious to know what the transition schedule was going to be and how much time we had to get their rooms ready.
Then on Tuesday we got another call from our agency to give us some less exciting news. It turns out that there was a miss communication between CPS and our agency. The email CPS had previously sent was worded in such a way that it was easily deduced that we were the final selection for these kidos, but the reality was that we were just selected for the short list, and that they would be making the final selection from this short list by the end of the month. If we had gotten this news first it would have been wonderful news, but in light of what we had been told on Monday, our moral plummeted for a bit.
Its Thursday now and we've recovered from our plummet. We are back in good spirits. We're on the short list for two sibling groups now and should hopefully know something on both of them by the end of the month. More waiting, yes, but they're worth it. We can't use this broken disjointed system as an excuse to pull out and do nothing. And we can't become calloused and bitter toward the CPS case workers that cross our paths. They're human and in need of grace and much as the rest of us.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What will the Holidays Bring?
We have our home study (description of us) submitted on several sibling groups now, all of which will be making their final selection for adoptive placements before the Christmas holidays, perhaps even before Thanksgiving. There are several possibilities before us. We could have none, one or two children. They range from ages 3 to 8 years old. We could have one boy, two boys, or one boy and one girl. They are comprised of a variety of ethnicities and hair care needs. As you can probably tell, I have a spread sheet of scenarios running through my head. Potential to do lists and shopping lists for every possible out come.
I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos. I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials. Toys have changed! They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time. I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself. But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy! For shame, for shame!
Anyway... Again, here we are with the uncertainty. Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time. I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit. Change can be good and change requires that I trust him. Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics. I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets. Its rather liberating to be honest. After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air. I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it. That's kind of how I feel at the moment. Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.
I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos. I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials. Toys have changed! They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time. I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself. But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy! For shame, for shame!
Anyway... Again, here we are with the uncertainty. Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time. I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit. Change can be good and change requires that I trust him. Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics. I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets. Its rather liberating to be honest. After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air. I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it. That's kind of how I feel at the moment. Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Reality Check
The last few weeks we've submitted our home study for three different sibling groups who are fully eligible for adoption. Each of them is one boy and one girl ranging from 3 to 7 years old. One of them we found on line at The Heart Gallery of Texas
and the other two were referred to us by our agency. Two of them came with very brief and positive descriptions and the other set came with more information including some hard things to swallow. We chose to submit on all three, even the third, who seemed to have more issues and baggage.
This last week Jeremy and I have had several discussions about how much we can really handle. Its one thing to read about hypothetical or obscure case studies in a book or hear testimonies from other foster/adoptive parents. Its another thing all together to read these profiles with the mind set that these kids might become our reality. We're looking at knowingly inviting chaos into our home and promising to be their forever family. I always suspected that the brief and entirely positive profiles were in reality every bit as heart breaking as the third profile. We found out yesterday that I am most likely right.
Yesterday we received some exciting news! We made the short list for the first sibling group we submitted our home study for a few weeks ago. The silence and waiting regarding these kids had left me thinking that we hadn't made the cut, so when the news came I was pleasantly surprised and, to put it mildly, about to jump right out of my skin!!!
When you make the short list they send you more information on the kids. There are standardized tests and evaluations for everything... I had no idea. You get everything from psych evaluations, learning disabilities, medications, their CPS case history, their likes and dislikes... We're talking 25-30 pages of information that just leaves you shaking your head.
By the time most kids in the system get to the point where parental rights have been terminated and they are eligible for adoption, they have likely been in and out of the system for at least 3 to 5 years. They've been back and forth between foster homes and the home they were removed from. For these sweet little ones it makes for a life of unpredictable chaos, fear, anxiety, depression, instability, and distrust in adults. There is a history of neglect, abuse, or both. If this had been my reality as a small child, I would be a very different person.
These kidos became so much more real to me yesterday. We want to rescue them from this hell that they did not choose or deserve, but do we have what it takes? Apart from Christ we do not. We have to really be in check of our motives. If its about me being the hero, I will be sorely dissapointed when these kids are resentful of me rather than grateful.
They have been with a loving foster family now for a while, whom they've made progress with and are getting more comfortable with. We will potentially be the ones who are taking them away from what they know is familiar and safe. They are in counseling to be prepped for adoption. This is necessary because most kids in the system have a lot of anxiety over being moved, even when its in their best interests. We will have to earn their trust and show them that we are equally safe and allow them time to become familiar with us. It will mean embarrassing grocery store scenes and trips to meet with the school counselor. It will mean cutting back on our other commitments to friends, church and family so that we can make the initial investment. It will mean a lot of sacrifice with not much thanks if any, at least in the beginning.
My prayer and request of all of you who may encounter us or who will encounter us once we get our kids home (whom ever they may be), please show them and us a crazy amount of grace and patience. They very well might come off like little monsters. They might be in full on survival mode, only accessing their brain stem, and processing inadequately their new environment. Jeremy and I will likely be a grumpy and frazzled mess. If I snap at you, my sincerest apologies in advance.
All that said... Still so excited!!!!!!! Even if we don't get these two, its nice to feel like things are in motion. Waiting is hard and I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its a chaotic, multi-colored strobe.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
A Beautiful Crazy Life
We live a beautiful and full life. I wouldn't trade it or anyone in it for anything or anyone. Sometimes it can be overwhelming though. Sometimes my heart and my head run out of room to process it all. Its like eating too much ice cream. It never stops being yummy, but a stomach ache is probably in your future. Sunday was a day in which I bit off a little bit more than I could process. I was in a constant social setting from 9am to 9pm. It was a day full of wonderful things and people that I wanted to be with and thoroughly enjoyed.
I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often. Ladies, this is so true. We compare and criticize in multiple life categories... Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that... I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out. We've got to stop this. We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short. When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride. When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from. I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself. I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering. Which leads us to the next social setting...
From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch. He's gotten so big!! He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever. They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much. We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected. What is our roll here? What are the proper boundaries? Are we stepping over any of their boundaries? How do I feel and how should I feel? How do they feel? Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by. Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that. We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back? Did we dial back too much or not enough? Should I have offered to change a diaper? This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon. I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok). I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar. We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.
From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before. Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.
From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church. We'll miss them very much! May God bless them in their ministry and service!
I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was. At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time. I'm sure you can guess what followed. Melt-Down!
My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day. Poor guy.
I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day. This is not a productive exercise. God is in control. It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God. There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God. We should follow his example and do the same. Go get refreshed. Don't feel guilty about it. Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.
I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often. Ladies, this is so true. We compare and criticize in multiple life categories... Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that... I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out. We've got to stop this. We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short. When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride. When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from. I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself. I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering. Which leads us to the next social setting...
From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch. He's gotten so big!! He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever. They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much. We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected. What is our roll here? What are the proper boundaries? Are we stepping over any of their boundaries? How do I feel and how should I feel? How do they feel? Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by. Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that. We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back? Did we dial back too much or not enough? Should I have offered to change a diaper? This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon. I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok). I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar. We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.
From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before. Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.
From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church. We'll miss them very much! May God bless them in their ministry and service!
I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was. At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time. I'm sure you can guess what followed. Melt-Down!
My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day. Poor guy.
I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day. This is not a productive exercise. God is in control. It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God. There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God. We should follow his example and do the same. Go get refreshed. Don't feel guilty about it. Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Grief
I think I'm learning a bit about grief, on what I would consider a smaller scale than what you would typically think of. I had a mini melt down last night that just came out of no where.
We're planning to meet up with our Booger's new family in the next few weeks for a visit. I was driving home last night and started thinking about Booger what it will be like to get to see him again, but this time really not as ours. Thoughts like "he won't recognize my voice or my face or my smell any more" started running through my head. I think this is the first time its really hit me and the first time I realized how much I'm going to miss that. And then my next thoughts were related to how selfish that all sounded in my head. He's going to have that and more with our new friends. He's not losing anything and we did this for him. Its about him. (And just so we're clear, still totally excited to get to see him!!)
But then I felt like God told me it was OK to morn my own loss and that its not selfish. This broken system trying to help broken children from broken homes and hard places was not how it was meant to be. And the fact that its necessary is worth a few tears to say the least. My heart was wired for plan A. God has called us to step out side of that and see "the least of these." This was not how we we're designed to function at our core and so that means we should expect some difficulty and heartache.
So I don't want to leave you on such a sad note... we're moving forward with excitement and enthusiasm! We're obviously still open to the foster to adopt route, but we're taking a momentary detour to consider and submit our home study for a sibling group of two, ages 6 and 7, who are already 100% eligible for adoption. We don't know if these are the kidos for us, but we're moving forward and trusting God to steer us. A rudder is useless if the boat isn't already moving.
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