We live a beautiful and full life. I wouldn't trade it or anyone in it for anything or anyone. Sometimes it can be overwhelming though. Sometimes my heart and my head run out of room to process it all. Its like eating too much ice cream. It never stops being yummy, but a stomach ache is probably in your future. Sunday was a day in which I bit off a little bit more than I could process. I was in a constant social setting from 9am to 9pm. It was a day full of wonderful things and people that I wanted to be with and thoroughly enjoyed.
I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often. Ladies, this is so true. We compare and criticize in multiple life categories... Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that... I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out. We've got to stop this. We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short. When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride. When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from. I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself. I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering. Which leads us to the next social setting...
From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch. He's gotten so big!! He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever. They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much. We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected. What is our roll here? What are the proper boundaries? Are we stepping over any of their boundaries? How do I feel and how should I feel? How do they feel? Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by. Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that. We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back? Did we dial back too much or not enough? Should I have offered to change a diaper? This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon. I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok). I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar. We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.
From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before. Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.
From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church. We'll miss them very much! May God bless them in their ministry and service!
I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was. At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time. I'm sure you can guess what followed. Melt-Down!
My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day. Poor guy.
I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day. This is not a productive exercise. God is in control. It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God. There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God. We should follow his example and do the same. Go get refreshed. Don't feel guilty about it. Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.
From the Husband:
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how excited and nervous I was to get to see Booger on Sunday. I tried not to show how apprehensive I was, because I am the man, I am supposed to be strong and non-expressive in my emotions. I hate this cultural insistence by the way. I want to right to show and share my emotions, but that is for another rant on another time. It was a weird mix of excitement and anxiety similar to the day that we first received him, and the same fear that I felt the day that we first met his forever family. Whom by the way, we are so excited to know. This family is great. They are a loving Godly family with terrific children who are going to be amazing parents and siblings to Booger. To be completely honest, after meeting them I completely see why CPS choose them over us, and I hope I would have made the same choice if I had known both sides of the story, again, another side story. I did not know how to interact with Booger or his parents. I felt awkward. Just as Claire said, I did not know where the boundary was. What was the appropriate amount of affection to show towards him; was it okay to kiss him and snuggle him closely as I used to? I was so worried about offending his parents I was nearly too afraid to even hold him. Once I overcame that fear, I got to feed him again and then suddenly it felt like old times again. He is so beautiful and is growing so fast, and it was such a blessing to have him for the time we did. It is also a blessing to know where he is now and the love he receives every day. I felt like a stranger to him. He did not smile at us like he once had. I was a little worried to be honest. Had he forgot how to smile? Then he caught a glimpse of him mom, she gave a silly string of baby babble and his face lit up. It was such a beautiful smile and the joy on his face was heartwarming. He knows his mommy and loves her. I miss my Booger tremendously, but I am so happy for him to have this family, these parents and siblings. I am still in awe of the work that God has done in this child’s life. I am glad I get to be witness from a distance. I will grow more used to these meetings, they will become less awkward feeling for me, and we will fall into our proper role in his life. Just this time it was strange.