What will the Holidays Bring?

We have our home study (description of us) submitted on several sibling groups now, all of which will be making their final selection for adoptive placements before the Christmas holidays, perhaps even before Thanksgiving.  There are several possibilities before us.  We could have none, one or two children.  They range from ages 3 to 8 years old.  We could have one boy, two boys, or one boy and one girl.  They are comprised of a variety of ethnicities and hair care needs.  As you can probably tell, I have a spread sheet of scenarios running through my head.  Potential to do lists and shopping lists for every possible out come.

I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos.  I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials.  Toys have changed!  They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time.  I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself.  But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy!  For shame, for shame!

Anyway...  Again, here we are with the uncertainty.  Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time.  I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit.  Change can be good and change requires that I trust him.  Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics.  I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets.  Its rather liberating to be honest.  After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air.  I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it.  That's kind of how I feel at the moment.  Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.

Reality Check

The last few weeks we've submitted our home study for three different sibling groups who are fully eligible for adoption.  Each of them is one boy and one girl ranging from 3 to 7 years old.  One of them we found on line at The Heart Gallery of Texas 

(http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/adoption_and_foster_care/texas_heart_galleries/default.asp) 

and the other two were referred to us by our agency.  Two of them came with very brief and positive descriptions and the other set came with more information including some hard things to swallow.  We chose to submit on all three, even the third, who seemed to have more issues and baggage.

This last week Jeremy and I have had several discussions about how much we can really handle.  Its one thing to read about hypothetical or obscure case studies in a book or hear testimonies from other foster/adoptive parents.  Its another thing all together to read these profiles with the mind set that these kids might become our reality.  We're looking at knowingly inviting chaos into our home and promising to be their forever family.  I always suspected that the brief and entirely positive profiles were in reality every bit as heart breaking as the third profile.  We found out yesterday that I am most likely right.  

Yesterday we received some exciting news!  We made the short list for the first sibling group we submitted our home study for a few weeks ago.  The silence and waiting regarding these kids had left me thinking that we hadn't made the cut, so when the news came I was pleasantly surprised and, to put it mildly, about to jump right out of my skin!!!

When you make the short list they send you more information on the kids.  There are standardized tests and evaluations for everything...  I had no idea.  You get everything from psych evaluations, learning disabilities, medications, their CPS case history, their likes and dislikes...  We're talking 25-30 pages of information that just leaves you shaking your head.

By the time most kids in the system get to the point where parental rights have been terminated and they are eligible for adoption, they have likely been in and out of the system for at least 3 to 5 years.  They've been back and forth between foster homes and the home they were removed from.  For these sweet little ones it makes for a life of unpredictable chaos, fear, anxiety, depression, instability, and distrust in adults.  There is a history of neglect, abuse, or both.  If this had been my reality as a small child, I would be a very different person.

These kidos became so much more real to me yesterday.  We want to rescue them from this hell that they did not choose or deserve, but do we have what it takes?  Apart from Christ we do not.  We have to really be in check of our motives.  If its about me being the hero, I will be sorely dissapointed when these kids are resentful of me rather than grateful.  

They have been with a loving foster family now for a while, whom they've made progress with and are getting more comfortable with.  We will potentially be the ones who are taking them away from what they know is familiar and safe.  They are in counseling to be prepped for adoption.  This is necessary because most kids in the system have a lot of anxiety over being moved, even when its in their best interests.  We will have to earn their trust and show them that we are equally safe and allow them time to become familiar with us.  It will mean embarrassing grocery store scenes and trips to meet with the school counselor.  It will mean cutting back on our other commitments to friends, church and family so that we can make the initial investment.  It will mean a lot of sacrifice with not much thanks if any, at least in the beginning.

My prayer and request of all of you who may encounter us or who will encounter us once we get our kids home (whom ever they may be), please show them and us a crazy amount of grace and patience.  They very well might come off like little monsters.  They might be in full on survival mode, only accessing their brain stem, and processing inadequately their new environment.  Jeremy and I will likely be a grumpy and frazzled mess.  If I snap at you, my sincerest apologies in advance.

All that said... Still so excited!!!!!!!  Even if we don't get these two, its nice to feel like things are in motion.  Waiting is hard and I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, even if its a chaotic, multi-colored strobe.

A Beautiful Crazy Life

We live a beautiful and full life.  I wouldn't trade it or anyone in it for anything or anyone.  Sometimes it can be overwhelming though.  Sometimes my heart and my head run out of room to process it all.  Its like eating too much ice cream.  It never stops being yummy, but a stomach ache is probably in your future.  Sunday was a day in which I bit off a little bit more than I could process.  I was in a constant social setting from 9am to 9pm.  It was a day full of wonderful things and people that I wanted to be with and thoroughly enjoyed.

I started with Church, where I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a dear friend and my sister, about how we as women compare ourselves to each other and get critical of each other and ourselves far too often.  Ladies, this is so true.  We compare and criticize in multiple life categories...  Style, appearance, occupation, education, marital or single status, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend, being too much or not enough of this or that...  I could go on for days and I'd still be leaving something out.  We've got to stop this.  We are not the standard, Christ is, and we all fall short.  When we're overly critical of others, it prevents us from having deep and genuine friendships because of our false superiority and pride.  When we're overly critical of ourselves, it causes our own insecurities to rear their ugly heads and it elevates others on to a pedestal that they will most likely fall from.  I am at times guilty of both being critical of others and myself, but mostly myself.  I have a new found category in which to be critical of myself, mothering.  Which leads us to the next social setting...

From church we went to meet our Booger's family for lunch.  He's gotten so big!!  He's holding his own head up and is just as happy as ever.  They're doing a wonderful job and its obvious they love him very much.  We had a great time, but it was a bit internally awkward for me and Jeremy, which I think is normal and probably expected.  What is our roll here?  What are the proper boundaries?  Are we stepping over any of their boundaries?  How do I feel and how should I feel?  How do they feel?  Its not a typical situation, so there's not really a go by.  Its not like being an aunt or uncle, because at one point we were much more than that.  We have to dial back, but how much do we dial back?  Did we dial back too much or not enough?  Should I have offered to change a diaper?  This is the mental tail spin I've been in since Sunday afternoon.  I'm laughing to myself right now because I know that Booger's mommy now reads my blogs (which is more than ok).  I sincerely hope she's not offended by my honesty and I'm guessing she's experiencing something similar.  We respect them and want to honor them as Booger's parents, and we will figure this out together.

From there I went to my friend's Noonday party which was given in support of an adoptive family I've never met before.  Their story is truly touching and the whole event was very emotionally charged and moving.

From there I went to a farewell reception for another friend who is leaving our church to go serve at another church.  We'll miss them very much!  May God bless them in their ministry and service!

I walked through the door close to 9pm that night and realized just how overwhelmed I was.  At no point did I get or make time to take a break and really process the events of the day, and so I found myself trying to process it all at the same time.  I'm sure you can guess what followed.  Melt-Down!

My husband had no idea what a crier he married on our wedding day.  Poor guy.

I began over analyzing and second guessing everything I did or said through out the whole day.  This is not a productive exercise.  God is in control.  It is what it is and tomorrow is a new day, a re-do, a gift from God.  There's a reason why Christ got away from the crowds every now and then in order to get alone with God.  We should follow his example and do the same.  Go get refreshed.  Don't feel guilty about it.  Our busy busy busy culture has it wrong.

Grief

I think I'm learning a bit about grief, on what I would consider a smaller scale than what you would typically think of. I had a mini melt down last night that just came out of no where.

We're planning to meet up with our Booger's new family in the next few weeks for a visit. I was driving home last night and started thinking about Booger what it will be like to get to see him again, but this time really not as ours. Thoughts like "he won't recognize my voice or my face or my smell any more" started running through my head. I think this is the first time its really hit me and the first time I realized how much I'm going to miss that. And then my next thoughts were related to how selfish that all sounded in my head. He's going to have that and more with our new friends. He's not losing anything and we did this for him. Its about him. (And just so we're clear, still totally excited to get to see him!!)

But then I felt like God told me it was OK to morn my own loss and that its not selfish. This broken system trying to help broken children from broken homes and hard places was not how it was meant to be. And the fact that its necessary is worth a few tears to say the least. My heart was wired for plan A.  God has called us to step out side of that and see "the least of these." This was not how we we're designed to function at our core and so that means we should expect some difficulty and heartache.

So I don't want to leave you on such a sad note... we're moving forward with excitement and enthusiasm! We're obviously still open to the foster to adopt route, but we're taking a momentary detour to consider and submit our home study for a sibling group of two, ages 6 and 7, who are already 100% eligible for adoption. We don't know if these are the kidos for us, but we're moving forward and trusting God to steer us. A rudder is useless if the boat isn't already moving.

Here we go again

Ok...  We got a bit of a breather, which not going to lie, was really nice.  Most new parents don't get that opportunity to take a few weeks off and re-group. It makes me wonder though, if God thought we needed a relatively easy practice run with a sweet sweet baby (who's forever family has sent us pictures and we're planning a visit with them soon), and then a few weeks off, during which we went to this awesome conference on connection at adoption and loving kids from hard places (there will be a rabbit trail on this subject in a few paragraphs), He must have something really entertaining and exhausting in store for us.

I'll give you a moment to let your imaginations run wild with humorous scenes of us chasing around a couple of wild little monsters (a term of endearment)...

This might sound insane, but I'm actually looking forward to having some funny, pulling my hair out, stories to tell on myself and our future kidos in blogs yet to come.  The kinds of stories that aren't funny at that particular moment, but 10 minutes to 10 years later they're hilarious.  And you can bet there will be stories dripping with sappy cuteness and sweetness. And we can't leave out the "kids say the darnedest things" kind of stories.  Those are my favorite.

There will also be sad stories, as we work through their attachment issues, their loss and grieving process in regard to their biological family, and reasons and events which led to their being removed.  These stories will never be funny to anyone, and I will likely filter them some for their privacy and to spare all of you knowing the things that even I would rather not know.

This conference we went to focused on helping children from hard places work through their past and present and grow into the beautiful people they already are.  Empowered to Connect.  The main speaker was the author of "The Connected Child" which I fully intend to read from cover to cover, probably more than once.  Dr. Purvis is the child whisper.  She was and is key in the development of the Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) parenting method.  The counseling and research work she has done is incredible and has achieved fabulous results in children of all risk levels.  I wish I could just download everything she knows from her brain to mine.  If you are a parent of a private, foreign, domestic adoption, or foster to adopt child, you need to get this book and go to the next conference if you're able.  We'll probably go again for a refresher next year.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/

We feel refreshed, energized, and ready to go with a healthy bit of respectful fear moving forward toward what and who God has for us.  We're going to open our home back up the first full week in October because of work scheduling reasons.  And since we're open to foster placements that seem likely to move toward adoption rather than just adoptive placements, we're likely to have placements rather quickly.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Confused Emotions in the Heart of a Mother

We met our little Booger's new family, and they are sweet and lovely people.  We have a lot of common beliefs, values, and hobbies, not to mention they're fellow Aggies.  After meeting Booger's older biological sister that he has now been reunited with, this was the right choice.  She's old enough to have attached to this family, and moving her, in the short term, would have been more traumatic for sure.  In the long term we can truly see that it would have been a wash, and that they would have thrived in either family environment.  And so, the short term became the deciding factor.

He's with them this weekend and we'll permanently move him during the week this week.  The logical part of my brain is more than good with this.  We're not going to worry about his safety and care.  We know he'll be loved and nurtured.  And this isn't good bye forever.  Its obvious they have deep sympathy for us and the loss that we're feeling, and if things had gone the other way we would have had similar sympathy for them.  They're more than willing to keep us in the loop and allow us to continue to be a part of his life.  We might even consider them good friends at some point.

Up until this morning the logical, analytic part of my brain has been driving the ship for the most part.  I've had and still have an overwhelming peace about the outcome of this little adventure.  But as I sit here in my quiet kitchen, with no baby snores or coos, no diapers to change or bottles to make, I'm sad.  I don't think I realized I would miss it all quite this much.  I was thinking positive, looking forward to a full nights sleep, sleeping in, a Saturday where I didn't have to pack up the whole house just to go to the grocery store, and maybe getting in a run or a trip to the gym.  I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm sure every mother out there would give me a loud "Amen," I'm still enjoying those things today.  But there's a little hole in my heart that I didn't even realize I had so completely given to our little Booger.  I love him and I'm going to miss him deeply.

This morning my heart goes out to young or struggling mothers who out of love for their children choose willingly to give them up for adoption in hopes that their life will be better with someone else.  On some level, the way I'm feeling today might be in a way comparable to the simultaneous and conflicting grief and relief that they must feel.  Its a confusing state.  You know its the right thing, but your heart aches just the same.  Bless you for giving that child life.  Bless you for putting their needs ahead of your own.  Bless you for being so brave and strong.  Bless you for putting aside your pride and being vulnerable to criticism for your choice.  Today you have become true heroes in my eyes.  Don't let anyone treat you as less than wonderful.

Interesting week ahead... God is in control

Well, its safe to say that this life is far from boring.  Today our niece will be born, any minute now in fact.  Tomorrow we meet Booger's new family.  This coming weekend we'll make sure we have everything together that needs to go with him for his permanent move the following week.  Then we're going to take a few weeks off to recover, re-group and re-invest in each other as a couple.

There an odd mixture of sadness, grief, excitement, joy, hope, anticipation, gratitude and peace going on in my heart and my head.

We're sad to see our Booger go, though I don't think this is good bye forever.  The family he's going to has expressed a desire to keep us somewhat involved and informed, which is extremely generous of them.  We will miss him and grieve the loss of course.  That goes without saying, but this parting could be much more traumatic and sorrowful.

We're excited to see what God has in store for us though.  This is an adventure to be sure.  I used to fear unknowns, and at times I still do, but for some reason this process is keeping me on the edge of my seat in a good way.  Maybe God wired me for this from the beginning.

We're hopeful that this change is going to be a good thing for our Booger in the long run.  We're also hopeful and wait in joyful anticipation to meet the other kids God has in mind for us to bless and pour into along the way.  We hope that maybe we're inspiring others to take up the cause and advocate for the orphaned and fatherless, and at the same time encouraging others who are already in the trenches with us.

At the moment, the overwhelming feelings I have are gratitude and peace.  I'm grateful for the time we had with Booger and for the way he helped us get our feet wet in dealing with the system.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to have loved on him and started his little life off on the right foot.  I'm grateful for this new family and the gracious way that they're taking this on and their desire to meet with us to make Booger's transition a smooth one.  Above all, God has given me just a peace about this whole thing.  I'm not fearful for Booger's safety or care.  I'm confident he will be loved.  I'm not sure how else to say it...  I'm feeling grief, but there is really not a whole lot of anxiety...  Just peace.

John 14:27New International Version (NIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.