Awkward, Sad and Inspiring All in One

I had an interesting new experience this weekend.  I went to a "matching picnic."  It was an event put on by some local service organizations for foster kids eligible for adoption and prospective adoptive families to mix and mingle over some games, activities and lunch.

We'll start with the awkward:

1. Flying solo - Jeremy was not able to get off work for the event so I was there alone and most of the adoptive families were represented as couples.  And I felt really odd trying to approach kids on my own to try to get to know them a little.

2. Inherent discomfort - It was like going to a mixer for singles except a whole lot more was a stake.  If you fear rejection from a potential significant other, just try to imagine how vulnerable these kids felt about the possibility of rejection from a potential mom or dad.  It was awkward on both sides.

Next we'll go to the sad:

1. The majority of the kids there were teenagers and pre-teens - Teenagers have such a hard time getting adopted.  At some point they are given the option to take themselves out of the running and just chose to age out of the system alone.  But these kids were still showing up, some less than a year from turning 18, to events like these in hopes that someone would want them.  It just broke my heart.  Made me want to change our objective and license parameters.  Jeremy and I have talked about it, and we do want to figure out how to adopt a teenager at some point, even if its not right now.

2. Preferential Treatment - The majority of the couples there looking to adopt were hovering over the the younger kids.  I ended up just hanging back and observing for the most part.  I refused to join in the competition for their attention and affection.  Little hearts and minds hung in the balance here, not to mention all of the teenagers also watching this obvious preferential treatment.

Lets wrap up the summation with inspiring:

While I was being my wall flower self, this young woman, not quite 17 years old, approached and engaged me (and many other couples) in conversation multiple times.  She was very purposeful, sweet, transparent and genuine.  She was a breath of fresh air in this room full of people with not so hidden agendas.  Among the couples on the prowl (they're doing something good, I know, that's just how it felt), oblivious youngsters, attention seeking pre-teens, and skeptical teenagers, she was a breath of fresh air.  I spoke with a few other couples and they felt the same way about her.

She shared her story with me, how she ended up in foster care and the way that has impacted her life to date.  She shared her goals and dreams and aspirations.  She plans to take full advantage of the financial assistance the state will provide for her college education.  She shared her reservations about and simultaneous hopes for an adoptive family for her and her younger sister.

We both admitted how awkward this whole thing really was for everyone.  I think it felt really good for both of us to say that out loud.

She asked me real questions about myself, like what I did for a living, where I went to college, what area I lived in, what age kids I was licensed for, if I currently had any kids, and if I was wanting to adopt.  Blew me away!  Won me over!  Made me want to take her home even though I feel way to young to be her mom!  I could see the disappointment in her face when I told her we were only licensed through age 10...

I left that afternoon questioning everything.  My stomach in knots.  What do I do with this?  What was the purpose of God crossing our paths?  I'm not sure what I was expecting to encounter at the picnic, but that wasn't it.

Jeremy and I are still processing and praying through this.  Right now we're moving forward with our current plans and asking God to make it really clear if he wants us to shift directions.  We are most definitely considering fostering/adopting teenagers later on when we have more parenting experience.  My fear is that we'll wear ourselves out and not follow through on that though.  We shall see I guess.  If you would keep us in your prayers.  Pray that we listen to God and follow his Spirit's direction as we navigate the world of CPS.

Jeremiah 29:11 - My Life Verse

I had a really hard time finding a title for this post.  I've been mulling over it for a few days now.  Jeremiah 29:11 pretty much sums up my life and its what I cling to when there are too many variables for me to plan in my OCD sort of way.  It seems appropriate today as well.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)

Back in November we were told that we were "selected" as an adoptive placement for a sibling group of two, a 3 year old boy and a 6 year old girl.  Then a few days later we were told there had been a mistake and we were not actually selected, we had just made the short list (final four families).  Next there was a week of waiting to find out the final decision.  The morning we found out we were not selected was the morning of the day before Thanksgiving.  That afternoon we got the call for Munchkin needing a foster placement and we picked him up that night.  Complete devastation and hopelessness to adrenaline rush and joy all in less than 24 hours.

Fast forward 6 months...  Last Friday afternoon I got a call from our agency letting us know that the adoptive placement that had been selected for this sibling group had fallen through and wasn't going to work out after all and that they were taking home studies for these two again.  They wanted to know if we wanted to throw our names in the hat again.  I won't get into all of the reasons why it didn't work out with the other family, but rest assured, it was nothing scary enough to deter us.  So of course we said yes!  Even though we've never met these children and had not even seen a picture of them until last week, for a blip in time back in November, they were ours.

My heart is currently aching for them with sorrow over the hurtful situation they find themselves in, and with desire to bring them home if ours is the home God has planned for them.  The rejection of a family that is supposed to be your "forever family" as CPS calls it, has to be incredibly painful.

We also have our home study submitted on a few other single children at the moment.  Lots of things up in the air.  I've started an IKEA shopping list for each of them, because I'm a nut like that, and want to be prepared in some fashion for the many possible combinations and outcomes.  That and Pentrist curb my need to plan a bit.  If anyone is interested, we're trying to sell our pool table to make a little more room for kiddos.

And I'm still keeping to my goal of living in the moment and enjoying the in between!  Munchkin loved getting in the pool for his first swimming lesson!!  So much cuteness!  We have a fearless little dare devil on our hands! It kills me that I can't post a pic or video clip.

That's all I've got for now folks.  We'll keep you posted.

Summer Time!!

For those of you who I don't talk to regularly and give updates to personally, we're still in limbo with Munchkin.  The hard decision we were going to have to make mentioned in my last post has been taken off our plate of things to consider for the moment.  We still have no idea which way this is going to go.  We have a pretty good idea that we'll for sure have him through his first birthday (in the fall) but you know as well as I do at this point that could change at any minute.

We're ready for summer time in the Davis house.  We got Munchkin an infant life jacket, some poop catching baby swim trunks, an awesome little fishin hat, some baby sun screen...  now all we need is for things to warm up enough that the water isn't too shockingly cold for his first swim.  Crazy Texas weather.  We've got him signed up for parent/child swim lessons at the Y!!!  Soooooo excited!!!  My dad's going to get his boat all fixed up and ready to go and we're looking at going camping near the end of the summer with some friends.

Life is good.  Learning to have peace in limbo and enjoy every moment of the in between.

Fork in the Road

There are a lot of things I don't really want to do, but I know its right, and I know I should, so I do them.  I don't always want to go to work and be responsible for multi-million dollar projects, but I need to earn a living for myself and my family, and I want to leave a legacy of hard work for my kids.  Sometimes, I'm so tired at the end of the day that I just want to fall into bed, but I take the time to brush my teeth anyway, because I don't want to get a cavity.  Sometimes I want to be lazy, but I take the time to love my husband in the way he receives it best, acts of service, because I love him and I want him to know it and feel it.  I always want ice cream, always, but I don't even buy it at the grocery store because I know I would eat it and I know its not good for my health.  There are hundreds of things daily that we all do, not because we want to, but because we're responsible and considerate people.

So the question today is not about what I want to do.  The question today is about what I should or should not do.  If I based every decision on what I wanted to do or not do, my life would be defined by selfishness and in the end would turn into a very destructive pattern to be perfectly honest.  What I want is not always good for me or anyone else.

My husband and I have a very big decision before us this morning that we are conferencing with our foster/adopt agency about in just a couple hours.  If you happen to come across this blog today, please say a prayer for us.  Pray that we follow God in this and not our own selfish agenda.  Pray that God would give us courage, clarity, discernment and wisdom.  We want to get out of the boat and walk on the water toward our Savior, but only if he's calling us to in this particular situation, only if this is where he is truly leading.  To be perfectly honest, we're a bit scared of either of the two possible outcomes this morning.  Both scenarios could include an element of sacrifice and/or loss that we had not previously factored into our plans.

No News is Good News, Right? The Statuesque on Hold...

Waiting... waiting... waiting...

We know we're going to have Munchkin through the summer and that's a blessing, but after September we have no idea what's going to happen.  In a way I feel like I can rest easy at the moment knowing that, but at the same time its always in the back of my mind.

We're also moving toward adding to our family the "old fashioned" way.  We'll see how that goes.  I know so many couples that have struggled with infertility recently and it really breaks my heart.  When we first started this foster/adopt process, I had some naive and judgmental feelings toward those who didn't want to consider adoption and only wanted biological kids, no matter how expensive the process became.  Knowing now first hand how hard this CPS road is and how equally uncertain it can be, I can't look at these couples the same way and I want to apologize for my over zealous and ignorant opinions.

If you're morning the loss of a dream like having a child naturally, you're likely in no state of mind to jump into the world of CPS.  You need to do some healing and grieving first before you even consider any form of adoption, all of which come with a certain level of risk and potential for heart break.  You need to put your marriage first in this instance and make sure the two of you are really ready to move on, both of you.  If you bring an at risk child into a grieving and unstable home...  well, you can do the math.  I'm not saying you shouldn't consider it, I'm just cautioning that you need to make sure you're both ready.

There is a lot of potential for change on our horizon.  The possibility of a new baby or not, the possibility of another adoptive placement or not, the possibility that we'll get to keep Munchkin or not...  So many variables, but one thing remains the same for us, our hope in Christ.  He is our steady rock and our strength.

Life Happens - Perspectives Change

We kept 2 and 3 year old little girls for another foster family last weekend...  Goodness!  No wonder people thought we were crazy for wanting 3 kids dropped on us all at once!  We knew it would be hard, but can you say reality check?  Its one thing when you gradually add one at a time over a period of years building up to 3 (easing into the sleep deprivation and exhaustion, like a frog in a pot of water slowly being brought to a boil), but all at once, that's a big big change.

We had a lot of fun, don't get me wrong, but I seriously could have taken a 10 year long nap after that.  I was going to try to do it all on my own, that's the really funny part.  Jeremy works on Saturdays.  About a week prior, he sat down with me and asked, "Are you sure you don't want me to try to get the day off?"  What a good man I've got!  I would have needed a 20 year nap if I had done it all myself.

I won't bore you with the details of the weekend, but I will say they left a lasting impression on us, as well as a nasty cold.  I have to give props to their foster family though.  This couple has 5 foster kidos and two biological children, they both work full time, and in a year and a half this is only the second time they've taken a weekend off.  I put people like this in the Super Hero category.

After this experience, Jeremy and I both took a step back and reevaluated our own goals and abilities.   It was looking like they might not match up.  I'm not a quitter.  I'm a woman of my word.  In some ways I'm a bit prideful.  I didn't want to admit that it would be too much for me on top of a full time job.  I want to be a Super Hero too.  But lets be realistic for just a minute...  If we take on more than we can actually handle and end up doing a poor job by these kids, is that really beneficial to anyone?

So here's where we're at now...  Munchkin's case could go on for more than a year before we have any real idea which way its going to go.  We are going to have him for a while (hopefully forever, but at least a while).  In addition to a baby, we can really only handle adding one child at a time, especially if they're under the age of 5.  If one of us was full time, stay at home, we might feel differently, but this is our current reality.  We're staying in on the sibling group of two we're currently short listed on, but they are both school age, and that we feel, is within our realm of ability as well.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that our goals and abilities will morph and change as we move through life.  Its ok to stop and reevaluate and reassess your trajectory from time to time.  And owning your limitations is not a sign of weakness.  Being self aware in and of itself can be a great strength.  At the same time listening to God's clear call in spite of those weaknesses at times can bring great blessing.  So while we can't eliminate God's power and strength from the equation, we have to be sure, just how far he's calling us to step out.  I don't want to get ahead of where he needs me to be.

There is no black and white.  There is no formula.  Life happens.  The Spirit leads.  Perspectives change.

Conflicted - Two sides of Hope

As a general rule, I try not to wish for or celebrate the failure or misfortune of someone else.  As a foster parent you find yourself in an odd situation.

You fall in love with the little ones in your care.  You hear about the conditions and circumstances which brought them into the system, and sometimes you even see the results and repercussions of those conditions and circumstances.  You want what's best for them, and from where you stand, its to stay with you.

But there is another side to this story.  There is a struggling parent with stories, hurts and traumas of their own.  Many of them were foster children themselves or should have been.  Shouldn't we hope for them too?  Shouldn't we hope that they find something inside of them that compels them to rise above their situation and break the viscous cycle?  Shouldn't we pray that they find salvation in Christ?  Their lives are just as precious to Jesus.  Do we just write them off indefinitely?  That just isn't Biblical.

I'm not saying we should send these little ones back into harms way.  I'm not saying that we as foster parents shouldn't love them enough to want to keep them.  I'm not saying these parents should, depending on the circumstances, get their children back.

What I am saying is that we need to be compassionate and gracious.  I live a blessed life.  God has been so good to me.  How could I possibly judge these people who grew up in much different circumstances, and in a much different environment, with either no or very inappropriate role models?  They need my prayers.  They need my Jesus.

This is something that both Jeremy and I struggle with.  We of course want to keep Munchkin, and we do think that would be what's best for him, but we have to keep the right attitude.  The parents in these situations need saving too.  I'm probably not the one God is going to use to reach them, but I can pray for the person he is going to use.  I may very well be praying for you.