We knew this could happen...

This is what we signed up for.  We signed up for the uncertainty and the risk.  We signed up for this because these little lives are worth the risk and they are deserving of love even if they're stuck in a flawed system.

But there is no way to prepare your heart or your head for having a child taken from you.

There have been and will be tears and all the various stages of grief (though I preemptively began that process last week when I found out that this might happen).  We may have only had our little booger for about 2 months, but we loved on him and treated him as if he were our own, and in our hearts he always will be.

He's not going back to the bad situation he was taken from.  Where he's going we are led to believe he will be safe, loved and care for.  Where he's going he will have both a mom a dad and he'll be reunited with a biological sibling, and they will be raised together in the same home.  We are sad that it will not be our home.

Its going to be a somewhat gradual transition and it looks like we're going to get to meet his new family.  We'll hopefully get to pass along the tid-bits of personal information on our booger.  That is not typically how this works.  We can share with them the formula that seems to set well with his tummy and what his current sleep schedule is.  We're going to send him with pictures and the quilt that was so lovingly made for him by a dear friend of ours.  Hopefully they will feel comfortable keeping us informed as to how he's doing.

We will miss him for sure, but I know that this means God has other children in mind for us.  He just needed us to take care of Booger for a bit so that his forever family could get their bearings.  The reasons given by the powers that be don't really matter, as illogical and unfair as they may seem.  God is ultimately in control and he always has a reason and purpose.  We are grateful for the time that we've had with him and the love we were able to show him.

And before you all go painting us as saints or these strong people that you could never be...  My heart is very broken as is Jeremy's, and thoughts throwing in the towel have certainly crossed both of our minds.  I've eaten my fair share of chocolate this last week and if we kept ice cream in the house it would be all gone.  Our strength is not our own.  Our hope is in Christ, and his call on our lives is to care for the orphaned.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:26-27

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33

Hopeful Anxiety

Our Booger is doing great.  His tummy issues seem to be resolved for the most part.  He's eating more and more, getting bigger and bigger, and sleeping better and better.  And we're getting more and more attached.

Dealing with a government agency is always difficult and uncertain through no specific fault of any one individual involved.  There are so many moving parts its mind boggling.  The hopeful state we were previously in has been threatened a bit.  Either way our Booger is going to be well loved and taken care of.  No decisions have been made, and it will be a difficult decision for the powers that be, with pros and cons for either direction this could go.  Again, I would not want to be the detached third party making these decisions affecting the futures of the children and families in question.

Never the less, my anxiety is mounting as we wait for their decision.  It will bring big change for us either way.  If the decision is not in our favor I will be devastated.  If the decision is in our favor I will be overjoyed, but still heavy hearted for the other potential family in question.

I've been reminded over and over the last 24 hours that my hope needs to be in the Lord and not in people or the government.  What ever happens, it was always in His plan, and He can see the bigger picture.  My sight and perspective are finite and limited.  I know what I want, but the problem with that statement is "I."  Its not about me.  It's about our Booger and God's plan for his life.  All we can do is pray that God gives the powers that be wisdom and discernment in making their decision.

The Waiting Game Continues...

Jeremy has affectionately nicknamed our little one "Booger," and his full nickname is "Booger Bear."  So I decided that for the purposes of this blog that will be his name, at least until he's ours and we can use his real name.  There's just something about a grown man talking baby talk to an infant or small child that is beyond precious.

Booger is doing so well and teaching his new parents so much.  If you think you're prepared for kids, you most defiantly are not.  And if you think you ever could be truly prepared, you're living in a dream world I would love to move to.  There's a good amount of fun and cuteness involved, but there's also a good amount of sleep deprivation and "Why is he crying? He's not hungry...  Just changed his diaper..."  Gas bubbles are your worst enemy!  Anyway, we're learning a lot and enjoying even the difficult things, but all in all I think we got a cute and sweet little deal.  He's growing like crazy, which is incredible to watch.  His social interaction is developing and improving, which is also fun to watch and be a part of.

Yesterday we had an interesting meeting with all of the powers that be (CPS, CASA, the attorney, our agency case worker) all at the same time at our home.  I was not entirely sure what to expect, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing.  All of the different people working on Booger's case are fabulous and obviously care about his well being, which blesses and encourages my heart to no end.

The mysterious item mentioned in my last blog is still up in the air, which is very understandable.  What you need to know about most social workers is that they are almost all young (20s and 30s) and they all at least start off wanting to change the world one child at a time.  The problem is that they are all underpaid, overworked, and the things they deal with and witness on a regular basis are heart breaking and tragic.  And while dealing with all of this, they have to make life long impacting choices for the children in their care and under their authority.  Some of the decisions they have to make for these kids I know would keep me up at night wondering if I made the right decision.  My heart goes out to them, and they have my understanding and compassion no matter how their decisions impact me and my Booger.

Don't stress though, they were kind enough to give me a 95% positive chance that we're going to get to keep our Booger.  There is one looming factor that could pop up at any moment and take him that is outside of their control, but at the moment this one entity is not showing any interest or intent to seek custody.  We just need to keep that in the back of our minds, but by no means allow it to affect the amount of love we shower on Booger Bear.  He deserves every ounce of it and is so worth the potential heart break.

While I'm Waiting...

There's a wonderful song by John Waller that pretty much sums up life in general, if you ask me, called "While I'm Waiting."

Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I'm not always bold or confident, sometimes I lose sight of my hope, I'm rarely patient or peaceful, but this is the direction I want to grow in. My desire is to have faith like this and this whole foster/adopt process is certainly molding and transforming me in that direction for sure.

Things are looking good for us right now. We met our little one's CASA worker yesterday. She seems like a wonderful person. The CASA organization is something that I find really interesting. Court Appointed Special Advocate. She gave us a lot more information which came with a lot of good news and hope for us. The court case seems to be moving quickly and in our favor. There are potentially some new developments that could add some more excitement to our lives in the coming weeks and months. It would be a good thing if these new developments came to fruition, and it would be very nearly as crazy as having 8 hours notice prior to receiving an infant into our home. I'm going to hold back on saying much more just yet, and even as things develop, I'll have to stay somewhat vague. There's still a fairly high level of uncertainty as to if this will even happen and how it might go.

And that is where I'll leave you... In complete suspense so that you can practice waiting with me. Run the race my friends. A rudder is useless to guide and turn you if your boat isn't already moving. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the crazy ride.

Week Three Begins - Adjusting to our New Normal

Our little booger is precious, no doubt about it.  Its starting to get hard to imagine life before him and we've only had him a little over two weeks.  The nursery is almost ready, thanks to the generosity of so many (still need to do thank you notes... they're coming I promise) and the hard work of my sweetie.  We're starting to get into a grove.  We're figuring out his different cries and noises.  He's grown so much already, its incredible.

I think the hardest part about this is the speed at which things can change, and without warning.  Its the nature of how we're going about adopting.  Many have told me they couldn't do what we're doing.  Their hearts couldn't take it.  Not gonna lie...  It would break my heart to let this little guy go now.  And six months from now, I can only imagine it would be ten times harder.  But this is bigger than me or Jeremy.

In some of the classes we took through our agency in order to get licensed we learned some really interesting things about brain chemistry and how things during these first few months and years can have a significant impact on a great number of things.  Its really incredible.  So if nothing else, I can rest easy knowing that we're having a life long impact on this little guy.  Even if we only have him for a little while, what we're doing for him now is important.  Its not about us.  Its about him.  And God has called us to do as much as we can for him in the time that we have him, whether that be 6 months or 18 years (still hoping and praying for the 18 years).

Big change sometimes comes in a small package... unexpectedly and in a hurry

We were expecting a call last Monday from our agency regarding the sibling group mentioned in my two previous entries, but we were not expecting them to present us with another completely different opportunity.  The call came at about 11:30am that there was a beautiful and healthy infant in need of a foster placement, and the child's case was very likely to move toward removal of parental rights and adoption.  This is very rare.  What's even more rare is that we were, at that moment, the only foster parents that had been called with this opportunity.

We said yes.

The next 4 hours were torture waiting for the call back to confirm that the child would be placed with us.  Both Jeremy and myself were about to lose our minds.  The excitement and immediately pending changes were just looming over our heads.

At about 3:30pm we got the confirmation and I rushed home to meet with our agency caseworker and sign all of the paper work with Jeremy.  There was a slight delay and we were able to make an emergency target run for things like diapers and wipes and such.

The CPS caseworker arrived with our new little one at about 8pm to a welcoming party of our neighbors waiting in the driveway.  I love our neighbors!  This is only one of the many ways that they've blessed us.

By 9pm we were on our own.  First time parents with a tiny baby.  We had a pac n play that one of our friends at church had given us, a few things from my always prepared mother in law, a few things from the hospital, a few things from our agency, and the things we quickly purchased before he arrived, and that's it. There was no 9 month preparation.  There was no decorated nursery and neatly organized changing table.  I had been reading up on attachment at adoption for toddlers and young children, not about caring for an infant.  Our preferred age range was 0-5.  We honestly never thought we would actually get a 0 rather than a 5 year old.

We made it through the first night.  My employers were so accommodating and let me take the week off to adjust.  We sent out an email to our neighborhood Google group, posted our situation on Facebook, and then watched a flood of hand-me-downs and baby things come through our door over the next few days.  Our friends, family, church, co-workers, and neighbors have really blessed us.  We now have pretty much everything we need and enough gift cards to cover the remaining items.

Its been a crazy week full of change, chaos, love, faithfulness, miraculous provision, and very little sleep.   We're loving every minute of this!  Though I am more than ready for things to level out a bit and for us to get into a more consistent routine.  I think I've probably lost about 5 lbs, just because we keep forgetting to eat.  If our friends, family and neighbors hadn't been bringing us food, I probably would have lost at least 10 lbs by now.

Week 1 down...  there shall be more to come...

A Tender Heart

Some would see a tender heart as a weakness, but I think its a strength.  Its a tragedy when tender hearts are hardened by the struggle that is this life.  I would argue that maintaining a tender heart, in spite of painful and difficult experiences, is brave and courageous.

We don't feel like God is calling us to take on the challenge that I mentioned vaguely in my last blog entry.  Lets just say that the children in question where much older than we're considering, but because of a familiar connection our hearts were open to re-thinking our previously set boundaries.  Upon coming to this conclusion, even though we have a peace about our decision, I cried and mourned for these children for probably 3 hours on Wednesday night and they are obviously still on my heart now.  Even though I have never met them, they were just more real to me than the pictures we've looked at on the various state and non-profit adoption web sites for some reason (not that those precious kiddos aren't real).

I will continue to pray for them and hope for them.  May God bring people into their lives that will care deeply for them.  May God use their story for his glory.  My hope is that they find joy and love and peace and purpose.  My hope is that they find healing and closure from their past.

My prayer for Jeremy and I is that we continue to listen to God and allow him to direct us to the children he has for us.  May we keep our tender hearts even though we're going to potentially see and deal with some deep and damaging hurts.

There's a reason CPS has such a high turn over.  A person can only witness these atrocities for so long before they get calloused and burnt out. I can only imagine that they begin to feel as though the problem is too big and they're not really making a difference.  My prayer for our case workers and advocates is that they keep their tender hearts.  May they bravely bear the pain and burden of these defenseless and helpless little ones.  May they find a supportive group or church that will love on them and encourage them to press on in doing good things for the least of these.

Galatians 6:9