Life Happens - Perspectives Change

We kept 2 and 3 year old little girls for another foster family last weekend...  Goodness!  No wonder people thought we were crazy for wanting 3 kids dropped on us all at once!  We knew it would be hard, but can you say reality check?  Its one thing when you gradually add one at a time over a period of years building up to 3 (easing into the sleep deprivation and exhaustion, like a frog in a pot of water slowly being brought to a boil), but all at once, that's a big big change.

We had a lot of fun, don't get me wrong, but I seriously could have taken a 10 year long nap after that.  I was going to try to do it all on my own, that's the really funny part.  Jeremy works on Saturdays.  About a week prior, he sat down with me and asked, "Are you sure you don't want me to try to get the day off?"  What a good man I've got!  I would have needed a 20 year nap if I had done it all myself.

I won't bore you with the details of the weekend, but I will say they left a lasting impression on us, as well as a nasty cold.  I have to give props to their foster family though.  This couple has 5 foster kidos and two biological children, they both work full time, and in a year and a half this is only the second time they've taken a weekend off.  I put people like this in the Super Hero category.

After this experience, Jeremy and I both took a step back and reevaluated our own goals and abilities.   It was looking like they might not match up.  I'm not a quitter.  I'm a woman of my word.  In some ways I'm a bit prideful.  I didn't want to admit that it would be too much for me on top of a full time job.  I want to be a Super Hero too.  But lets be realistic for just a minute...  If we take on more than we can actually handle and end up doing a poor job by these kids, is that really beneficial to anyone?

So here's where we're at now...  Munchkin's case could go on for more than a year before we have any real idea which way its going to go.  We are going to have him for a while (hopefully forever, but at least a while).  In addition to a baby, we can really only handle adding one child at a time, especially if they're under the age of 5.  If one of us was full time, stay at home, we might feel differently, but this is our current reality.  We're staying in on the sibling group of two we're currently short listed on, but they are both school age, and that we feel, is within our realm of ability as well.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that our goals and abilities will morph and change as we move through life.  Its ok to stop and reevaluate and reassess your trajectory from time to time.  And owning your limitations is not a sign of weakness.  Being self aware in and of itself can be a great strength.  At the same time listening to God's clear call in spite of those weaknesses at times can bring great blessing.  So while we can't eliminate God's power and strength from the equation, we have to be sure, just how far he's calling us to step out.  I don't want to get ahead of where he needs me to be.

There is no black and white.  There is no formula.  Life happens.  The Spirit leads.  Perspectives change.

Conflicted - Two sides of Hope

As a general rule, I try not to wish for or celebrate the failure or misfortune of someone else.  As a foster parent you find yourself in an odd situation.

You fall in love with the little ones in your care.  You hear about the conditions and circumstances which brought them into the system, and sometimes you even see the results and repercussions of those conditions and circumstances.  You want what's best for them, and from where you stand, its to stay with you.

But there is another side to this story.  There is a struggling parent with stories, hurts and traumas of their own.  Many of them were foster children themselves or should have been.  Shouldn't we hope for them too?  Shouldn't we hope that they find something inside of them that compels them to rise above their situation and break the viscous cycle?  Shouldn't we pray that they find salvation in Christ?  Their lives are just as precious to Jesus.  Do we just write them off indefinitely?  That just isn't Biblical.

I'm not saying we should send these little ones back into harms way.  I'm not saying that we as foster parents shouldn't love them enough to want to keep them.  I'm not saying these parents should, depending on the circumstances, get their children back.

What I am saying is that we need to be compassionate and gracious.  I live a blessed life.  God has been so good to me.  How could I possibly judge these people who grew up in much different circumstances, and in a much different environment, with either no or very inappropriate role models?  They need my prayers.  They need my Jesus.

This is something that both Jeremy and I struggle with.  We of course want to keep Munchkin, and we do think that would be what's best for him, but we have to keep the right attitude.  The parents in these situations need saving too.  I'm probably not the one God is going to use to reach them, but I can pray for the person he is going to use.  I may very well be praying for you.

Up, down and round and round

Ok, its been a while since I had a chance to post...  where to begin...We'll start with the fun stuff.

Munchkin is as cute as ever.  He's starting to roll and is getting more and more control of his little hands.  And boy is he a talker!  Once this little guy actually has words we're going to be in trouble.  He seems to be advancing ahead of schedule according to the book we're using as a reference for making sure he's on track with his development (I know, I'm a nerd even in this category of life).  He's moved on to the next size diaper and the next size of clothes in the last week or two as well!

I'm sure all of these little mile stones seem silly or simple, hardly worth the praise I'm giving them, to someone without children.  I can't help getting giddy about them though.  It means we're doing something right!  Not only is he still alive, but he's thriving!  Every little cough, sneeze or slight fluctuation in his temperature or bowel movement schedule can get a new parent nervous.  We start second guessing every choice we've made concerning the care of our little one if they get sick.

This last week Munchkin caught a stomach bug.  Poor little guy.  He's starting to eat better now, but his poor little tummy is still a bit out of sorts.  What ifs began running though both mine and Jeremy's head, or mine at least.  But you know, kids get sick, and if you take proper care of them and get them through it, it builds their little immune systems.  So for all of you other parents out there, there are things that are really beyond your control, and you've got to just go with it and do your best.

The real kicker for us this last week is that a few days after Munchkin got this stomach bug, I came home with the flu.  Fortunately he'd had his flu shot so he wasn't at a high risk of catching it from me, but I'd never had to take care of a baby, much less a sick baby while trying to take care of me...  can you say impossible!?!?  Jeremy ended up taking a couple sick days from work to come home and take care of us.  My Hero!  I think I'm almost done with this, but I still have a low fever and its day 5 or 6 now...  losing count.

On the adoption/foster process front...

Munchkin's case is very different than Booger's case was.  Biological family is still trying to get Munchkin back and there were no relatives involved with Booger's case.  Its been a learning experience.

We take Munchkin for weekly visits with bio parents.  We were at first trying to be very friendly and non-judgmental of the bio parents (in-spite of the reasons for Munchkin's removal), and really we still are, but their behavior recently is making that a bit difficult.  We and CPS have decided that it would be best for us not to cross paths with either parent when dropping off or picking up from visits from now on.  Or original hope was that we could be a resource for them or at least bio mom regardless of the outcome of the case, and though I'm not surprised, I'm sad to say that no longer looks like its going to be a possibility.

At first is was very hard to say which direction this would all go.  Now it seems to be leaning ever so slightly in our favor unless something unexpected changes, but unexpected change is always a possibility.  We have to keep that in the back our minds.  The powers that be (CPS and the Attorney) though have assured us (though the judge really has the final say) that significant action to improve will be required of the bio family or another willing relative that is more suitable will have to surface for him to be placed with someone else.  If significant improvement is made or a willing and suitable relative is found, I have to trust that they are making the right decision for Munchkin.  Its very clear that they are not just checking boxes though and they don't seem optimistic that either of these things are going to happen.  Even if they did happen, they foresee us having Munchkin for a while regardless.

Letting this little guy go would feel very different than letting Booger go did.  We know where Booger is and that he's being loved and is well taken care of.  We wouldn't have those assurances with Munchkin and we would probably never see him again.  I have to continue to love on Munchkin with a hopeful heart, while at the same time mentally preparing myself for good-bye (that very well maybe a full year from now).  Can you say emotional walking contradiction on a marathon length scale?

Less Talk and more Action

We're putting feet to our words once again.  We've had Munchkin now for 3 1/2 weeks or so.  Goodness gracious!  So much personality for someone so small!  This little guy knows what he wants and gosh darn it he wants it now.  He's demanding, but he's full of smiles and coos when you come through for him.  It keeps us going when sleep deprivation, work stress and seasonal illness take their toll, and boy have they this week for me especially.  Sooooo ready for some down time over the holidays!

I'm going to take this moment to say a special thanks to my mommy.  She's been such a wonderful help and has graciously dealt with my stressed out, sick, and grumpy self this week.  And another special thanks to my Sweetie.  He's also been very sweet and gracious, and he has done his best to take care of me without jeopardizing his own health in the process.  I'm feeling very loved in the midst of my medicated chaos.

On a slightly different note, here's an update for those of you who are as anxious as we are to see us actually follow through to adoption someday...  This placement has not made any promises of being a potential adoptive placement.  It can always end up going that way, but we took this one on with the full knowledge that its possible we won't get to keep him.  This go around, we're not asking as many questions.  We don't want anyone in the system to make us any promises they can't keep.  We will love him while we have him, however long that may be.  His particular situation tugged at our heart strings and we said yes.  I can't disclose the details, but just know that everyone involved in this case holds a special place in our life's mission as Christians and as a couple.

Because we know that Munchkin might not be a permanent deal, we're remaining very open to young sibling groups of two.  I know what you're thinking, and yes we are crazy, but we've seen how quickly things can change in the world of CPS and how long they can drag out as well, and we don't know which extreme Munchkin's case might lean toward.  We're going to have to step out in faith and trust that God knows exactly what's on the horizon for us, and we have to trust that he's going to provide for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs as we pour ourselves out for the least of these as he's called us to.

If you would please keep us in your prayers.  Its easy enough to write all of this.  Doing it is not so easy and while I may sound confident and resolved, there are doubts and fears that at times pop up and can tear my eyes off of my Savior, who is my strength and supply.  I think that's probably true for all of us, no matter what our specific calling in life is.  So be encouraged!  Doing something hard is by definition hard, but doing something easy isn't nearly as rewarding and life giving.  Dare to do something hard, challenging, and risky for the sake of Christ!

Just Another Tuesday

Well, have I got a story to tell you!  We had quite a Tuesday...

Yesterday morning we knew that the selection staffing for a sibling group we'd been short listed on was scheduled to happen.  After it was over our agency case worker called us to tell us we had not been selected.  Of course we were pretty down about that.

It had come down to four families including ours, and we were all on a fairly even playing field.  The factor that eliminated us was that we have only been married for a couple years and we are by their definition still "newly weds."  This is not the first time we've been eliminated as a potential adoptive placement based on the fact that we haven't been married "long enough."

We had already talked about opening back up to promising emergency foster placements and legal risk adoptive placements if this particular set of siblings didn't work out, but the reoccurring reason for not being selected sealed it for us.  It was going to likely be years before we would be selected for a straight adoptive placement just because we needed to be married a little longer.  If we were going to continue pursuing adoption through the foster care system, we had to take a little more risk and put our hearts on the line.

We communicated this desire to our agency case worker and within less than two hours we had received calls for two cases, an infant emergency placement that needed to be placed last night and a sibling group of two that needed to be placed by Monday of next week.  We said to put our name in the hat on both cases.

Within four hours we were picking up a sweet baby to take home and we've been loving on him all day.  Such a cutie!!  It kills me that I can't share pictures, but there's a very good reason for that.

We left our name in the hat for the sibling group as well (we're crazy and got licensed for up to 3 kids at a time) but it's very unlikely that they will select us since we just got an infant with some minor medical needs.  Our current thinking is that if we end up still being the best choice for them, then its God's will and he'll give us the strength, patience and endurance to do it.

I thing that I don't really understand is how putting a "newly wed" couple in a situation where they have 4 hours notice before getting a little baby and/or a pair of toddler to school age children would put less stress on their marriage than giving them all of the information on a set of kids, maybe a couple pre-adoption placement visits, with a set time line and the certainty of an adoptive placement...  Maybe this is a test?

Goodness Gracious...

I am a project manager.  I hold all the little pieces together, make sure we're following all the rules (building code), delegate tasks to others, try to keep to the project schedule, and try to make the client happy with the design for multiple projects at a time.  I understand stress and I get mind mush moments.  I've sent emails that were not all together clear or referring to the wrong project all together.  I've been there.  I think we all have at one time or another.

When it comes to dealing with professionals who handle the lives of children though, we as parents can become a little ungracious and indignant.  Whether they be an overloaded CPS case worker (in our particular situation) or your child's kindergarten teacher, we expect the best for our kids.  We forget that they are doing the same juggling act that we are.  The case worker probably has 60 plus cases in her case load, all equally important, life altering and urgent.  The kindergarten teacher has a room full of kids at various stages of intellectual and behavioral development that she has to try to cater to within a limited amount of time and space.  We hold them to a higher standard, sometimes with unrealistic expectations in our less than ideal real world environment.  We forget that they are underpaid, over worked, and need to have a life outside of their occupation just as much as we do.

This week someone made a mistake.  It was not malicious or intentional.  It was a mistake.

On Monday morning our agency called us to give us the exciting news that we were the final selection for an adoptive placement (100% sure thing no risk involved) for a sibling group of two that we had submitted our home study on.  Of course we were ecstatic!  We started telling all of our friends and family.  We started thinking about our holiday plans.  The planner in me was anxious to know what the transition schedule was going to be and how much time we had to get their rooms ready.

Then on Tuesday we got another call from our agency to give us some less exciting news.  It turns out that there was a miss communication between CPS and our agency.  The email CPS had previously sent was worded in such a way that it was easily deduced that we were the final selection for these kidos, but the reality was that we were just selected for the short list, and that they would be making the final selection from this short list by the end of the month.  If we had gotten this news first it would have been wonderful news, but in light of what we had been told on Monday, our moral plummeted for a bit.

Its Thursday now and we've recovered from our plummet.  We are back in good spirits.  We're on the short list for two sibling groups now and should hopefully know something on both of them by the end of the month.  More waiting, yes, but they're worth it.  We can't use this broken disjointed system as an excuse to pull out and do nothing.  And we can't become calloused and bitter toward the CPS case workers that cross our paths.  They're human and in need of grace and much as the rest of us.

What will the Holidays Bring?

We have our home study (description of us) submitted on several sibling groups now, all of which will be making their final selection for adoptive placements before the Christmas holidays, perhaps even before Thanksgiving.  There are several possibilities before us.  We could have none, one or two children.  They range from ages 3 to 8 years old.  We could have one boy, two boys, or one boy and one girl.  They are comprised of a variety of ethnicities and hair care needs.  As you can probably tell, I have a spread sheet of scenarios running through my head.  Potential to do lists and shopping lists for every possible out come.

I'm a little giddy at the thought that this could be our first Christmas with our future kidos.  I've been watching the Disney Chanel lately so I can see the toy commercials.  Toys have changed!  They've gotten cooler and cheesier all at the same time.  I saw this remote control hover craft plane thing that I kind of want for myself.  But what they've done to My Little Pony, Care Bears and Strawberry Short Cake is a tragedy!  For shame, for shame!

Anyway...  Again, here we are with the uncertainty.  Its exciting, joyous, terrifying and nerve raking all at the same time.  I'm normally not a huge fan of change, but God is changing my heart a bit.  Change can be good and change requires that I trust him.  Uncertainty requires that I trust him with the details and logistics.  I have to hand over my lists and spread sheets.  Its rather liberating to be honest.  After my college study abroad experience where I was planning everything regarding my travel and accommodations, going on a vacation with my family where Mom and Dad had planned and paid for everything was a breath of fresh air.  I could just sit back and enjoy the ride, and with my new perspective I really appreciated it.  That's kind of how I feel at the moment.  Just coasting in the back seat, trusting that my heavenly father has it all under control, and that its going to be breath taking.