Grief

I think I'm learning a bit about grief, on what I would consider a smaller scale than what you would typically think of. I had a mini melt down last night that just came out of no where.

We're planning to meet up with our Booger's new family in the next few weeks for a visit. I was driving home last night and started thinking about Booger what it will be like to get to see him again, but this time really not as ours. Thoughts like "he won't recognize my voice or my face or my smell any more" started running through my head. I think this is the first time its really hit me and the first time I realized how much I'm going to miss that. And then my next thoughts were related to how selfish that all sounded in my head. He's going to have that and more with our new friends. He's not losing anything and we did this for him. Its about him. (And just so we're clear, still totally excited to get to see him!!)

But then I felt like God told me it was OK to morn my own loss and that its not selfish. This broken system trying to help broken children from broken homes and hard places was not how it was meant to be. And the fact that its necessary is worth a few tears to say the least. My heart was wired for plan A.  God has called us to step out side of that and see "the least of these." This was not how we we're designed to function at our core and so that means we should expect some difficulty and heartache.

So I don't want to leave you on such a sad note... we're moving forward with excitement and enthusiasm! We're obviously still open to the foster to adopt route, but we're taking a momentary detour to consider and submit our home study for a sibling group of two, ages 6 and 7, who are already 100% eligible for adoption. We don't know if these are the kidos for us, but we're moving forward and trusting God to steer us. A rudder is useless if the boat isn't already moving.

Here we go again

Ok...  We got a bit of a breather, which not going to lie, was really nice.  Most new parents don't get that opportunity to take a few weeks off and re-group. It makes me wonder though, if God thought we needed a relatively easy practice run with a sweet sweet baby (who's forever family has sent us pictures and we're planning a visit with them soon), and then a few weeks off, during which we went to this awesome conference on connection at adoption and loving kids from hard places (there will be a rabbit trail on this subject in a few paragraphs), He must have something really entertaining and exhausting in store for us.

I'll give you a moment to let your imaginations run wild with humorous scenes of us chasing around a couple of wild little monsters (a term of endearment)...

This might sound insane, but I'm actually looking forward to having some funny, pulling my hair out, stories to tell on myself and our future kidos in blogs yet to come.  The kinds of stories that aren't funny at that particular moment, but 10 minutes to 10 years later they're hilarious.  And you can bet there will be stories dripping with sappy cuteness and sweetness. And we can't leave out the "kids say the darnedest things" kind of stories.  Those are my favorite.

There will also be sad stories, as we work through their attachment issues, their loss and grieving process in regard to their biological family, and reasons and events which led to their being removed.  These stories will never be funny to anyone, and I will likely filter them some for their privacy and to spare all of you knowing the things that even I would rather not know.

This conference we went to focused on helping children from hard places work through their past and present and grow into the beautiful people they already are.  Empowered to Connect.  The main speaker was the author of "The Connected Child" which I fully intend to read from cover to cover, probably more than once.  Dr. Purvis is the child whisper.  She was and is key in the development of the Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) parenting method.  The counseling and research work she has done is incredible and has achieved fabulous results in children of all risk levels.  I wish I could just download everything she knows from her brain to mine.  If you are a parent of a private, foreign, domestic adoption, or foster to adopt child, you need to get this book and go to the next conference if you're able.  We'll probably go again for a refresher next year.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/

We feel refreshed, energized, and ready to go with a healthy bit of respectful fear moving forward toward what and who God has for us.  We're going to open our home back up the first full week in October because of work scheduling reasons.  And since we're open to foster placements that seem likely to move toward adoption rather than just adoptive placements, we're likely to have placements rather quickly.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Confused Emotions in the Heart of a Mother

We met our little Booger's new family, and they are sweet and lovely people.  We have a lot of common beliefs, values, and hobbies, not to mention they're fellow Aggies.  After meeting Booger's older biological sister that he has now been reunited with, this was the right choice.  She's old enough to have attached to this family, and moving her, in the short term, would have been more traumatic for sure.  In the long term we can truly see that it would have been a wash, and that they would have thrived in either family environment.  And so, the short term became the deciding factor.

He's with them this weekend and we'll permanently move him during the week this week.  The logical part of my brain is more than good with this.  We're not going to worry about his safety and care.  We know he'll be loved and nurtured.  And this isn't good bye forever.  Its obvious they have deep sympathy for us and the loss that we're feeling, and if things had gone the other way we would have had similar sympathy for them.  They're more than willing to keep us in the loop and allow us to continue to be a part of his life.  We might even consider them good friends at some point.

Up until this morning the logical, analytic part of my brain has been driving the ship for the most part.  I've had and still have an overwhelming peace about the outcome of this little adventure.  But as I sit here in my quiet kitchen, with no baby snores or coos, no diapers to change or bottles to make, I'm sad.  I don't think I realized I would miss it all quite this much.  I was thinking positive, looking forward to a full nights sleep, sleeping in, a Saturday where I didn't have to pack up the whole house just to go to the grocery store, and maybe getting in a run or a trip to the gym.  I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm sure every mother out there would give me a loud "Amen," I'm still enjoying those things today.  But there's a little hole in my heart that I didn't even realize I had so completely given to our little Booger.  I love him and I'm going to miss him deeply.

This morning my heart goes out to young or struggling mothers who out of love for their children choose willingly to give them up for adoption in hopes that their life will be better with someone else.  On some level, the way I'm feeling today might be in a way comparable to the simultaneous and conflicting grief and relief that they must feel.  Its a confusing state.  You know its the right thing, but your heart aches just the same.  Bless you for giving that child life.  Bless you for putting their needs ahead of your own.  Bless you for being so brave and strong.  Bless you for putting aside your pride and being vulnerable to criticism for your choice.  Today you have become true heroes in my eyes.  Don't let anyone treat you as less than wonderful.

Interesting week ahead... God is in control

Well, its safe to say that this life is far from boring.  Today our niece will be born, any minute now in fact.  Tomorrow we meet Booger's new family.  This coming weekend we'll make sure we have everything together that needs to go with him for his permanent move the following week.  Then we're going to take a few weeks off to recover, re-group and re-invest in each other as a couple.

There an odd mixture of sadness, grief, excitement, joy, hope, anticipation, gratitude and peace going on in my heart and my head.

We're sad to see our Booger go, though I don't think this is good bye forever.  The family he's going to has expressed a desire to keep us somewhat involved and informed, which is extremely generous of them.  We will miss him and grieve the loss of course.  That goes without saying, but this parting could be much more traumatic and sorrowful.

We're excited to see what God has in store for us though.  This is an adventure to be sure.  I used to fear unknowns, and at times I still do, but for some reason this process is keeping me on the edge of my seat in a good way.  Maybe God wired me for this from the beginning.

We're hopeful that this change is going to be a good thing for our Booger in the long run.  We're also hopeful and wait in joyful anticipation to meet the other kids God has in mind for us to bless and pour into along the way.  We hope that maybe we're inspiring others to take up the cause and advocate for the orphaned and fatherless, and at the same time encouraging others who are already in the trenches with us.

At the moment, the overwhelming feelings I have are gratitude and peace.  I'm grateful for the time we had with Booger and for the way he helped us get our feet wet in dealing with the system.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to have loved on him and started his little life off on the right foot.  I'm grateful for this new family and the gracious way that they're taking this on and their desire to meet with us to make Booger's transition a smooth one.  Above all, God has given me just a peace about this whole thing.  I'm not fearful for Booger's safety or care.  I'm confident he will be loved.  I'm not sure how else to say it...  I'm feeling grief, but there is really not a whole lot of anxiety...  Just peace.

John 14:27New International Version (NIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

We knew this could happen...

This is what we signed up for.  We signed up for the uncertainty and the risk.  We signed up for this because these little lives are worth the risk and they are deserving of love even if they're stuck in a flawed system.

But there is no way to prepare your heart or your head for having a child taken from you.

There have been and will be tears and all the various stages of grief (though I preemptively began that process last week when I found out that this might happen).  We may have only had our little booger for about 2 months, but we loved on him and treated him as if he were our own, and in our hearts he always will be.

He's not going back to the bad situation he was taken from.  Where he's going we are led to believe he will be safe, loved and care for.  Where he's going he will have both a mom a dad and he'll be reunited with a biological sibling, and they will be raised together in the same home.  We are sad that it will not be our home.

Its going to be a somewhat gradual transition and it looks like we're going to get to meet his new family.  We'll hopefully get to pass along the tid-bits of personal information on our booger.  That is not typically how this works.  We can share with them the formula that seems to set well with his tummy and what his current sleep schedule is.  We're going to send him with pictures and the quilt that was so lovingly made for him by a dear friend of ours.  Hopefully they will feel comfortable keeping us informed as to how he's doing.

We will miss him for sure, but I know that this means God has other children in mind for us.  He just needed us to take care of Booger for a bit so that his forever family could get their bearings.  The reasons given by the powers that be don't really matter, as illogical and unfair as they may seem.  God is ultimately in control and he always has a reason and purpose.  We are grateful for the time that we've had with him and the love we were able to show him.

And before you all go painting us as saints or these strong people that you could never be...  My heart is very broken as is Jeremy's, and thoughts throwing in the towel have certainly crossed both of our minds.  I've eaten my fair share of chocolate this last week and if we kept ice cream in the house it would be all gone.  Our strength is not our own.  Our hope is in Christ, and his call on our lives is to care for the orphaned.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:26-27

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:32-33

Hopeful Anxiety

Our Booger is doing great.  His tummy issues seem to be resolved for the most part.  He's eating more and more, getting bigger and bigger, and sleeping better and better.  And we're getting more and more attached.

Dealing with a government agency is always difficult and uncertain through no specific fault of any one individual involved.  There are so many moving parts its mind boggling.  The hopeful state we were previously in has been threatened a bit.  Either way our Booger is going to be well loved and taken care of.  No decisions have been made, and it will be a difficult decision for the powers that be, with pros and cons for either direction this could go.  Again, I would not want to be the detached third party making these decisions affecting the futures of the children and families in question.

Never the less, my anxiety is mounting as we wait for their decision.  It will bring big change for us either way.  If the decision is not in our favor I will be devastated.  If the decision is in our favor I will be overjoyed, but still heavy hearted for the other potential family in question.

I've been reminded over and over the last 24 hours that my hope needs to be in the Lord and not in people or the government.  What ever happens, it was always in His plan, and He can see the bigger picture.  My sight and perspective are finite and limited.  I know what I want, but the problem with that statement is "I."  Its not about me.  It's about our Booger and God's plan for his life.  All we can do is pray that God gives the powers that be wisdom and discernment in making their decision.

The Waiting Game Continues...

Jeremy has affectionately nicknamed our little one "Booger," and his full nickname is "Booger Bear."  So I decided that for the purposes of this blog that will be his name, at least until he's ours and we can use his real name.  There's just something about a grown man talking baby talk to an infant or small child that is beyond precious.

Booger is doing so well and teaching his new parents so much.  If you think you're prepared for kids, you most defiantly are not.  And if you think you ever could be truly prepared, you're living in a dream world I would love to move to.  There's a good amount of fun and cuteness involved, but there's also a good amount of sleep deprivation and "Why is he crying? He's not hungry...  Just changed his diaper..."  Gas bubbles are your worst enemy!  Anyway, we're learning a lot and enjoying even the difficult things, but all in all I think we got a cute and sweet little deal.  He's growing like crazy, which is incredible to watch.  His social interaction is developing and improving, which is also fun to watch and be a part of.

Yesterday we had an interesting meeting with all of the powers that be (CPS, CASA, the attorney, our agency case worker) all at the same time at our home.  I was not entirely sure what to expect, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing.  All of the different people working on Booger's case are fabulous and obviously care about his well being, which blesses and encourages my heart to no end.

The mysterious item mentioned in my last blog is still up in the air, which is very understandable.  What you need to know about most social workers is that they are almost all young (20s and 30s) and they all at least start off wanting to change the world one child at a time.  The problem is that they are all underpaid, overworked, and the things they deal with and witness on a regular basis are heart breaking and tragic.  And while dealing with all of this, they have to make life long impacting choices for the children in their care and under their authority.  Some of the decisions they have to make for these kids I know would keep me up at night wondering if I made the right decision.  My heart goes out to them, and they have my understanding and compassion no matter how their decisions impact me and my Booger.

Don't stress though, they were kind enough to give me a 95% positive chance that we're going to get to keep our Booger.  There is one looming factor that could pop up at any moment and take him that is outside of their control, but at the moment this one entity is not showing any interest or intent to seek custody.  We just need to keep that in the back of our minds, but by no means allow it to affect the amount of love we shower on Booger Bear.  He deserves every ounce of it and is so worth the potential heart break.